367: New Year’s Resolutions?

367: New Year’s Resolutions?

Here’s to a (happy?) new year. The year I sit my HSC. The year that really, no matter who says otherwise, is going to be life-changing for me. It would only be fitting to compile a short list of things I would like to achieve or see happen during 2017:

1. Survive Year 12. I am expecting to suffer, be sleep-deprived, gain weight (or lose some, depending on how I play my cards), gain friends, lose friends, and go on one hell of a ride.

2. Get an interview from the universities I apply to for my course of choice (if you’ve been following for a while, yes, and no, it’s not medicine). As a side note, hopefully do well in UMAT. It would be a bonus to do well, but if not, then ATAR has to be extremely high. I’ll try. No promises though.

3. The easiest thing to maintain, in my opinion. STAY WITH HONEY FOR ALL 365 DAYS AND MORE.

4. Keep the blog running. Posts will be sparse, far and few in between, but I will try to aim for 5-10 posts a month (more in January, though…maybe). I love this blog and I definitely want to utilise it to preserve my memories of my last year of high school. Even though I am desperate to leave, I know I need to take my time and just enjoy each moment as it comes, because you’re only young for so long until the moment you’re living in just becomes another story to tell your children and their children.

5. Get my learner’s driving licence. Must happen in January though.
Update made 27 January 11.09 pm: I DID IT! I don’t want to jinx it but it might be the only test I score 100% in this year.

6. After HSC is over, complete at least 80% of the post-HSC bucket list (with my honey, of course).

7. Make new memories.

Of course, the list will stop there since having too many things on a to-do list will overwhelm me. There will inevitably be other things that pop up, but for now, these are good enough for me. I might have this stickied for a few months just to remind me of my goals and where I want to be.

 

~ Serendipitous

399: Yesterday Once More

399: Yesterday Once More

I cried like a fucking baby. I thought this was a tragicomedy to start out with, but it was actually just tragic at the end. Though I shouldn’t spoil.

This film is about a girl who comes first in the class and she’s class monitor as well and there’s this dropkick in her class she looks down upon, but then for one of the big tests she cheats and he covers for her. Cue the rest of the story.

The group chat was lit and then this film got suddenly linked by one of my good friends. Well, I needed a break of some sort after half yearly exam block, so I’m sacrificing sleep and living my dreams, watching movies.

To be honest, this movie pushes so many Asian stereotypes, which made me feel uncomfortable but it was sort of relatable. I mean of course, I have suffered my own form of tiger mum syndrome, but that’s such a small part of the film that it becomes overlooked once you look back on the film as a whole.

God you have to see it for yourself. It’s the same thing with Suddenly Seventeen. It’s something you should watch if you’re about to graduate high school or suffer an existential crisis.

Honey, I miss you! And I love you! And this film is another sign telling me that if I study hard enough and make my dreams come true, then we can be happy together, too. Maybe that’s just my seventeen year old self being idealistic and hopelessly romantic again.

I CRIED LIKE A BABY. NOTHING SET ME OFF AS MUCH AS THE ENDING SCENES DID.

 

~ Serendipitous

NB: From top to bottom, Vietnamese subs, Chinese Mandarin subs, English subs. Whatever works for you. When I wasn’t watching the film I would listen out for the actual language (I was lowkey multitasking) but when I was watching I looked at the English subs. I’m a fake Chinese Mandarin girl, I’m ABC but I will invest time after HSC to read, write and speak like a true native LOL

398: Suddenly Seventeen

398: Suddenly Seventeen

My friend in English was not exactly paying attention in class. Actually, neither was I, for my eyes were focused on her screen. She was watching this Chinese film, but she was watching it for the pretty red dress the lead female wore. The sweetheart neckline was amazing; the colour was so vibrant and popped on-screen.

So I came home, slept, and wasted spent a large part of my evening viewing the film Suddenly Seventeen (there is a copy on YouTube, I will link it after my signature). I thought of my honey the whole time I was watching this and I felt just as devastated as Liang when her boyfriend of ten years broke up with her over a phone call as she was chasing him by car. I shiver thinking about it.

Ok, so Liang (lead female) is twenty-eight years old, living a good life with a perfect, handsome boyfriend and a really awesome best friend. It’s been ten years and she thought he was going to propose, but he was so pre-occupied with work that he had basically neglected her and a few scenes later he suggests they break up in a soft but firm voice (it makes my blood boil).

But I shouldn’t spoil the whole thing. Basically there are some magic chocolates that psychologically reverts her back to seventeen years old and she lives as a seventeen year old for five hours every time she ingests one of these chocolates. You should probably watch it when you get time (1 hour 38 minutes viewing time). It really puts into perspective the existential crisis you’re bound to go through, and encourages you to make better decisions when you’re younger so that the future you is happier.

I would have cried if I hadn’t spent all my tears on my honey and my future already. Of course we all make terrible decisions when we are young. I made too many mistakes before I was sixteen and some of them come back to haunt me sometimes. I just don’t want to wake up when I’m twenty-eight and realise my life is shit.

Honey, I’m sorry and I promised I wouldn’t think past November this year. But the film taught me a great deal, and I thought of a few things in the distant future, your life, my life, things I won’t talk about with you until much later. If there’s one thing I’ve learned from watching romantic films and dramas after I met you, it’s that communication is key, and not to believe everything that one sees in fiction. I accept that we are both humans who constantly change, and the person you were last week isn’t exactly the same person I spoke to last night, and that’s okay with me. Just as you once said to me, as long as the person I will change into isn’t outlandish, you will still continue to love me. That goes for you too. I will still continue to love you even if you aren’t the same person who shared a blissful two months of pure honeymoon happiness with me before the haze cleared.

 

~ Serendipitous

There are English subtitles if you don’t speak Mandarin!! There are also Chinese subs on top of the English 😀 Even though the title of the video is 17 Again – Chinese Edition, it really is called Suddenly Seventeen. Just a side note.

397: To My Honey

397: To My Honey 

Hello. I like the draft of your essay. I wish you all the best for your essay, which you will probably end up acing anyhow.

Hmm. Thanks for being a realist, but sometimes I just need to believe that something will happen and everything will fall into place soon. You are very supportive of me and I am grateful for that. So thank you for sticking with me even though I say stupid things.

I feel depressed. It’s not because of you. I am just feeling depressed because of everything that’s happened and I haven’t had a chance to tell you because you’ve been busy with English, so I thought I might articulate some of my feelings in the meantime somewhere else so that you might read them later and we can talk about it when you’re not busy, because I am afraid of disturbing your alone time.

Alone time, the very thing I’m finding I want more of to collect my thoughts together and realise my life, my dreams, my potential. To just be alone where no one except I can hurt myself. I, my best friend and my greatest enemy, just alone. I am tired. I will probably stop sleeping enough until the next exam block rolls around.

I love you. I don’t think I mentioned it today. But I love you. ❤

 

~ Serendipitous

396: Stormy

396: Stormy 

Be still my beating heart for I have stumbled and fallen into a ravine. It will take me a miracle to escape to better times but I have to push on and take out the thorns and look for other ways to get out of this hellhole.

Be still my beating heart for I have been burned, scorched, tossed, stomped on. Yet I’m still expected to end up doing well or end up in a lowly place wasting away what little potential I had to begin with in life.

Be still my beating heart for I did not die today, and almost, almost wish I had. The only thing that prevents me is the irreversible nature of death and how I wouldn’t get to find out if I actually did make my dream course.

(To come back to this space and edit if I did get in).

 

~ Serendipitous

395: If I Died Tomorrow

395: If I Died Tomorrow 

Then I wouldn’t have to do my related task. But there are more things I wouldn’t be able to do. I wouldn’t have to do my HSC or UMAT, but I’d never be able to get in my dream course. I’d never reach my weight goal. I’d never get to kiss my honey again. I’d never get to tell him again how much I love him. I’d never get a chance to hug my parents and sister and tell them how much I love them. I’d never get to spend another day with my honey; in fact I’d never get to spend my life with him, even though I would have given him a little infinity within our reality. I’d never get to write another post on this blog.

So I guess I wouldn’t be able to do a lot of things if I died tomorrow. The likelihood of getting into a car accident on any ordinary day is higher than winning the lottery. See, that’s funny, everyone thinks they’ve got the winning ticket, but no one thinks that it’s they who’ll be involved in a car accident.

God, that’s scary. But honestly, I’m just having a moment. I am afraid that I can’t attain my dreams, and that seems like a very real possibility. If I can’t make it…it’s too hard to think about. When you have a dream for ten years and the most vigorous passion in the world for that field can only go so far when it doesn’t have the test scores to match it, well.

So if I died tomorrow…I would die knowing I wouldn’t get to experience all the good things that will come after the HSC is over. I would die knowing I’ll never be able to give my honey the happiness he deserved from me. I would die knowing I wasn’t ready to die.

But seriously, when are we ever ready to die? I can’t answer that right now.

 

~ Serendipitous

Discovered Beenzino when I clicked on Youtube mixed playlist for Zico’s mixtape Heart is hurt and I was so overjoyed inside. I love discovering Korean hip hop artists that have a really neat beat and voice. Often, though, I tend to resist that desire for discovery because Zico is so good that I have tunnel vision for him sometimes. Beenzino!! 🙂

 

394: Flaws in Flaws (SOC)

394: Flaws in Flaws (SOC) 

Lately the brain chatter has been quiet. The last two, three weeks, the brain hasn’t had time to think about things other than school. The two weeks before an exam block is always filled with dread, the desire to pursue dreams, relationship becoming priority #1.5 instead of #1 (though I feel like it should always be on par with my dreams, because he is important to me, and I to him).

I love him, you know? I think I say that too often. The most important thing is recognising your significant other has flaws and accepting them, and not being in love with the person he has the potential to be because you should be in love with him now as he is 🙂 Yeah admittedly I’ve had a few moments where I felt like I was crumbling, but truly, being able to see past the flaws really helps.

He dislikes his eyebrows. I offered to thread them (even though I don’t actually know how). He declined politely. He doesn’t like his nose either. But I think it’s cute, since it’s almost like mine. He dislikes his physique. I don’t really mind in truth because I’m not here for what his physique is like.

I’m starting to sound like a teenager blinded by love. Oh god what if I am-

But I also have my own flaws. I think too far ahead into the future, which scares off people and makes people have second thoughts about themselves. Their second thoughts become my second thoughts, my third, my fourth. And everybody ends up unhappy until something is done to fix it. Brain chatter chatter chatter

I don’t think I’m allowed to say I’m happy for now. I’m content. I wouldn’t want to be anybody else, because the only life I’ve led and experiences I know are my own. I know when I was younger I’d always say, I wish I was like this girl because she’s got a great figure, and I wish I was like that girl because she is much more intelligent than me, but honestly? I don’t really mind so much that I’m not skinny and that I’m not as intelligent as others. If my honey can love me for who I am, then surely I can too. I’m working on loving myself though. It’s a thing I have to work on, both for him and myself. I’ve struggled for nearly eighteen years, but surely it can’t be that bad anymore when I have my friends and I have my honey.

Though I’m sorry in advance that you’ll get teased by your friends and other boys in your cohort. I was a wild girl and they still know me as that wild girl, but you know so much more. You’ve seen more than that wild girl. You’ve seen me in so many moments that they’ll never see. And you will see me in so many more that no one in the public eye will get to see.

So yeah I guess the tease will be short-lived, but I’ll always stick around.

 

~ Serendipitous

393: If There is Such Thing as a Bent Heart

393: If There is Such Thing as a Bent Heart

Not a broken heart, just a bent one. There are three hundred and sixty five days in a year, three hundred and sixty-six if you’re lucky. You may live half a hundred thousand days, yet many of them will blend together and blur as one, those days that become weeks that become months, that may eventually become years. Shy of eighteen years of age by forty days, yet the last seventeen years have been more or less a blur of non-linear memories, growing pains, identity losses.

Friday should be the happiest day of the week, but it was the worst one for a while. You went to school with a heavy heart, a leaden stone where your heart should have been. When was the last time you felt this depressed, this heavy, this low? Third grade, this red-haired boy who was fiery and freckly. He broke your heart, and you wept alone, not understanding, innocent but growing up beyond your years, your days. How you wish now that you were a little girl again, not just figuratively, but literally. You hadn’t met him then. You should have let fantasy books take you on roller-coaster rides, not prepubescent boys who understood nothing but games and action figures. Though you leave that in the past because you don’t live in the past anymore. You try to live in the present, but you’re always living in your head, always a few days, months, years into the future, not knowing that you have the sweetest fruit in front of you in the now and not in the future. Who knows, the fruit in the future might be bitter, but you haven’t bitten into it just yet.

We miss those days, where we suffered nostalgic attacks and pangs of heartbreak. You preferred those days where little shocks from your heart spread through your body, not these days where you walk around with a heart screaming in pain. The only thing in your body that hurts is your heart, and sometimes your head, but nothing else. It’s a dull sensation, almost indescribable now that you aren’t feeling it, but it was so real in the moment, on that Friday. Sitting in physics class, comprehending a two-dimensional diagram of an AC induction motor, but living, breathing, experiencing a fine piece of heartbreak you brought upon yourself.

Overthinking. Your favourite sport, behind rowing. Though you participate more in the unhealthier recreation. The weight that anchors your heart to the core of the earth? Your own unhealthy thoughts. Everyone has their own demons, and you wouldn’t know what it’s like in someone else’s life, their soul, but your own demons nearly conquer your being. Think a little too long and your mind will wander on the edge of the cliff, wondering what could have been, what could be, what will never be. Sometimes, more than occasionally, your mind slips off the cliff, spiralling into a deep and dark abyss where no one should go. Two sleeps later and the mind wakes from its endless nightmare and life goes back to normal but the memory of the abyss never leaves. It lurks but only emerges at an opportune time. But what am I saying, trying to remember a feeling that has already passed.

Let people break you. It’s a lesson. It builds character. Alternatively, don’t let them break you. And don’t break yourself. You are your own best friend, but worst enemy. You are the pathway to your dreams, but your obstacle. It’s something I’ve noted, that’s all.

Also give him some space ya fuckin’ know. Lol. Clingy bitches don’t know why they get left behind, but I know why. Well, I’d like to think that I’m not clingy. Ok we’ve already been over this. I’m not clingy. I’m teetering on the edge of a stream of consciousness. Which I probably should do in the next post. Time to post some more since I’ve been away so much this month.

 

~ Serendipitous

I love you 🙂