423: The Second Time (Lapse)

423: The Second Time (Lapse) 

Oh my god okay today is the second time I’ll get drunk. I drank way too much way too fast. My parents don’t know.

Now I know what it’s like to live life as a young, dumb teenager. Holy fuck it is fun. Yeah fuck you blob, you know. I don’t give a fuck about you anymore, and it feels good.

I’m calling the next couple of posts or so “Lapse” at the end because I’m not in a good mental state, drunk or sober. I’m experiencing some form of depression I think. Self-diagnosed, and I don’t want meds. I find it hard to get out of bed. I’m over my ex, but my feelings haven’t caught up with me. I’m doing trash at school, but after drinking like what, 6 shots of soju, both flavoured and plain, I think I’m gonna do just fine in Trials. I’ll see. I kinda want more alcohol parties.

I’m 18, bitches. It feels good. Hello this is drunk me 1 and I am live! Whoops. This cute Korean guy my mates are friends with got me a little bit drunk. Made me take shots with them and there was this concoction, of Sprite, beer and soju mixed in one. Sprite and soju in two shot glasses in this bigger glass filled with beer. Oh god it tasted weird but the burning sensations ARE MAD. THEY ARE LITERALLY SO GOOD. Soju doesn’t taste all that bad. I drank pretty fast, not gonna lie. I didn’t want Asian flush to come on so I went to the bathroom and splashed myself some good. Went home alright, sobered up pretty quickly before I got home. Goddamn it’s all part of the experience. Feels good.

I can’t drink this much during my HSC year as well. It was a good try and like I would totally do it again but man I fear for my brain cells. I don’t really have that much to say I just feel really good this warm feeling is nice I don’t want my friends to miss out on this and I really hope it can drag me out of this depression I’m feeling. I’m skipping school because I feel like shit, which makes me feel even shittier, vicious cycle continues you know?

I have so much to say. I hope the Lapse series is finished pretty soon. I have a month to get my shit together. Actually I should’ve gotten my shit together two days ago, but the best time is to start today am I right? Yeah feels bad.

Hi.

 

~ Serendipitous

422: June 15

422: June 15

Because well I honestly can’t come up with better post titles anymore. Well, at least for now.

Okay so I just unblocked him on Facebook. I don’t even know why, I just did. Whatever, okay.

Trials HSC timetable came out. Oh my god I have Paper 1 and Latin Cont on the same day can someone shoot my right hand? Actually it won’t be so bad objectively, we get it over and done with early blah blah but handwriting day and I don’t have my shit together right now and I’m just floating along. I’m about three months out from graduation and five-ish months until I’m free but right now I’m pretty closing to giving up entirely and wasting my seemingly non-existent potential doing something else I kind of love but won’t get paid much for and that I don’t really need an education degree for but that’s so silly of me because giving up means game over and I really feel that vibe but at the same time WHY IS SCHOOL SO HARD

So my exam block was trash and maybe I shouldn’t have broken up two weeks before but then who knows what would’ve happened if I stayed longer what, would my results still have been the same I don’t know? I’ll never know now and I don’t particularly care anymore. I guess I just have to look forward to the future and stop wasting time. And get something nice down.

I kind of want to take a literature degree. Go into teaching. Something romantic like that. But I don’t want to think like this forever. I don’t want to be depressed forever. I might need to see a doctor. I’ve never been so mentally down, so terrible, so…overwhelmed. Everything is so different now. I’ve wasted my own potential. I feel like absolute shit. I need to reach out but everyone is so busy in their own lives, too. So I am alone.

We are born alone, and we will die alone. I hate thinking that, but I know it’s true. Even if you’re surrounded by people when you are born, and the same when you die, you are ultimately coming into the world without someone mentally “there” with you. Same when you die. Yeah ok if you’re going to pass on with someone at the same time, but it’s still not the same. It’s only you and you in your head, if that makes sense?

I don’t even feel eighteen. I feel stupidly seventeen again. June is supposed to be my favourite month of the year. I fucking hate it right now. If anything, I would rather have my summer days back. Fuck I can feel it all coming down on me right now. I’m trash at life. I haven’t got my shit together. I’m not living in the present. I’m not even living in the future or the past. I’m just in limbo. Time isn’t stopping for me so I need to get my shit together but I just…can’t.

So this is how it feels to not be motivated. I’ve reverted to having to take baby steps. Just…get out of bed. Stop thinking about him, he doesn’t EXIST ANYMORE. Yes I unblocked him but HE DOESN’T EXIST. Brush your teeth. Okay you brushed ’em. Brush your hair? Nah skip that shit. I can’t remember the last time I actually brushed my hair. I just don’t anymore. So I look wild, unkempt, tired. Can you tell when a person looks depressed? Probably, I am exuberant and extroverted usually, but you can just tell when I’m down. I’m crying every second day, not because of hormones but because of life. Life is shit right now. Middle of June. Hate it. I hate how this post is shitty too. Where’s that romantic writer I know? Gone. Beginning of winter. Sometimes I need to immortalise the pain. Literature is eternal. Yeats. School. Now I’m just joining fragments of my life together trying to make sense of it. I don’t write in my journals anymore. I need to get a new one. Pack away all his gifts in a box and not open it. I made the mistake of reading over the stuff I wrote in my red Moleskine. Well, the one he bought me. I feel terrible, so young, so naive, so tragic. My story is so belittling, to me. I will probably post this quickly and go back to reading my ugly writing back when I couldn’t write so straight and just think, life was better. Oh god I can’t.

So yeah I’m not really holding up well. I don’t want to feel like this forever. I only have enough motivation to go see a medical professional if it gets worse. I felt a bit happier after dinner. Like everything was gonna be okay and I guess I needed that. People care, I know they do, because I reached out. I love people. Talking makes me happy. I miss talking to him. He’s probably studying for trials. Or gaming. I don’t know. He probably still thinks of me occasionally, even though he emotionally checked out a long time ago. The boys there are still probably trash talking me. Oh well. What I don’t hear doesn’t hurt me. My old philosophies coming back to haunt me. How I was a terrible person and never really thought about shit.

And I’m a terrible writer at that, sorry, I’ve got to work on my technique. I need a perfect story by July 24. Great. Oh it’s Angela’s birthday soon! I better get her birthday post ready. Wait, she probably reads this blog still. Lol. I still have that Snapchat story of her and Joanna. BB8 oh my god mems

I miss him. I miss my old life. Please let me return to mental stability.

To future me, I’m trying. I’m gonna get back on track. I’ll get that literature degree one day, but I have another degree in mind that seems a bit unrealistic but if I do well enough in Trials and HSC maybe I can get it. Well, not me. Maybe YOU can, for me. Don’t fail me where I failed. And pass on advice to other friends in the grades below. Don’t get a fucking boyfriend during HSC. If he makes you miserable, you ain’t gonna do well. Promise to be friends in September and if he’s still interested in you by next November it’ll be nice. If he loses interest before then maybe it’s a bullet dodged.

 

~ Serendipitous

420: BLAZED! + Wake Up Call

420: BLAZED! + Wake Up Call

Yay we reached 420 posts on serendipitouswriter. Congratulations to me for having commitment since October 2015.

Now I thought it would be an idea (not necessarily good or bad) to scroll through the posts starting from around August 21 to the present. Oh my god, holy fuck, you learn so many things about yourself through a blog

Ok to be fair some of them I was being unrealistically romantic and had silly idealised notions about life. I was pretty stupid back then. I had a good thing going on and I ruined it for myself, and then later on around February this year he finally picked up on it and thought…ok I can’t speak for him. But I definitely ruined the good things we had and then he started treating me differently and acting differently towards me because of all that past shit. O my god I shouldn’t have shown him my blog at all to begin with. This is how shit starts and ends. I hate myself for being so romantic, so unrealistic. God! “He is the one” and all that bullshit. Holy fuck how naive was I? Why didn’t anybody pick up on it and tell me? Was I that blindsided by love? Holy shit. Lesson learned, to the letter.

I have never been so angry at myself. Okay, I had issues. I inconveniently had mental issues when I had such a good thing going on in my life. Now they’re pretty much gone. We don’t talk about balloons, BPD, obsessions with kissing, heartbreak, etc. Holy fuck…now I’m starting to hate myself for ruining such a good thing we had. But it’s run its course and it was doomed from the beginning. I was being a bitch. Who emotionally manipulates people like that? Right, so I was capable of being that cold-hearted person again oh man WHY!!! HE WAS GOOD. YOU RUINED EVERYTHING.

In the days afterwards, I was being kind to myself and giving myself all sorts of love. I am my greatest friend and greatest enemy. Sometimes I wonder if I could detach myself from myself and just LOOK at myself. Like who are you? Why are you being like this? Be KIND TO YOURSELF. And then I realise, that’s just my brain chatter.

Or the relationship just didn’t work out, but I’ve been scrolling through about a hundred posts, skimming, sometimes revelling in how I basically foresaw my own doom but thought I was writing romantically. Wow, well I’m never thinking further than two weeks down the line anymore. Ok, exaggeration. More like I’ll never think so far ahead into the future and actually bring it up with a significant other if they’re not ready to talk about it. Wow I fucked up.

I mean it’s good the relationship is over. It died. It’s gone. It didn’t work out. We don’t speak anymore. I tried to hold a civil conversation with him today but he was so u n c o m f o r t a b l e we never could’ve salvaged anything or even tried to be friends but hey maybe that’s because he has Trials so soon and guess what I have !!! Study time. But I’m trying to take a break now and show myself a good time and keep loving myself. Bettering myself for the next guy. Jesus. I knew it. I fucked up. He fucked up in some ways but I did more fucking up. Wow….

Lesson learned don’t be a fuckwit, stay sane, love yourself, you never know what tomorrow holds for you, maybe the next guy will leave you out of the blue and you’d never expect it but next time you’ll know how to slowly get over it, rebuild yourself and whatnot.

Yeah okay fair but what if…no what if’s. I don’t know who the next guy is. Whoever it is, you’ll be slightly luckier than the last. And this blog is definitely going to be hidden asap. I should probably still write letters to no one. Because they aren’t in my life right now. Jesus fucking

I’m literally so mad at myself. Why did I have romanticise everything????????

Lesson learned. But maybe everything was actually fine. Cos I remember things being fine?? And nothing was super bad September to January. I am a drama queen. I need to stop that.

Preview of next post: 1982 – Halfway to Becoming a Ratchet LG oh wait I might’ve already done aspects in 419 oh well lol

 

~ Serendipitous

Now to be honest I’m not sure if I should keep a written journal. What if my next SO sees it, reads it, and everything…oh my gosh. I don’t know. These are MY memories, though. I’ll have to think about it.

419: Senior Dodgeball Challenge!

419: Senior Dodgeball Challenge! 

3-0, we lost to the boys’ school, obviously. But it was so much fun in itself!

This is the first day since I last saw my ex on my birthday date. I reflect and think upon this and I say, well fuck it. I was playing in Team 3 and I was going to stay on for as long as I could but I felt a ball graze my foot and I knew I was out and nobody called me out on it but it wasn’t like I was going to stay on for long anyway.

So I made my way off the court. And I bumped into an old friend. We hadn’t spoken in more than a year, and we did a bit of catching up. But then I felt like I had to go speak to him one last time. The guy who made seven months of my life…interesting, to say the least. One word responses, didn’t make that much eye contact with me, didn’t want me to be there, obviously. I mean, all the boys were on one side of their gym and we were on the other side and I made my way to him and so everyone would be judging me but I don’t care about what other people thought about what they saw today. I can only think of what we said, how different the people we are now compared to that day we first met in August, and I can’t help but feel sad that this is what it has come to. I’m not in love with him anymore. I’m not in love with anybody, actually.

For the first time in a while (as in, two weeks tops), I feel incredibly upset and sad. Depressed. Feeling melancholy. It’s for the best. The person he is now is not somebody I want to be with. It’s probably better that I leave him alone indefinitely. He doesn’t seem comfortable with me anymore. People change. Shit happens.

And this is also the first time that I braided my hair from the top of my head (well, Joanna did it for me). I’m halfway to becoming a ratchet LG. But I don’t think I could ever pull that character off, LOL. It’s just not my style. But it definitely has made me feel younger than I am. Feels good. Youth is not eternal.

 

~ Serendipitous

 

 

418: Feels Good, Man!

418: Feels Good, Man! 

Okay yeah I know it’s been a while and I unprivated, but there is life after a breakup! I’m a huge extrovert so I reached out to so many people and connected in more ways than I have known to be possible. Life is just feeling good right now. In this moment, where I can just be chill for a bit. Write new things, add more things to my post-HSC to do list, maybe book a few violin concerts for myself? Self-loving time.

Feels good, man!

Although I did have a shitty morning waking up. It was a nightmare and I don’t care to elaborate, but it was about my ex and that was shitty. Didn’t affect my physics exam though! I forget they have a bunch of exams now too. Trials. Mm, fun.

 

~ Serendipitous

There is so much more I wanted to say but I just can’t say it now, I’m revelling in the awesomeness of everything!

417: Exams Are Over!

417: Exams Are Over! 

The sun is out, I just had ramen with a good friend, and now I’m sitting at my tutoring place just chilling with a Year 11 guy I’ve just met. He’s pretty nice and enjoying Year 11. Enjoy it while you can, you only have 3 terms!

I did ok in my exams. I feel that I did okay.

And I feel okay. Life is good. And I’ve accepted what had come my way and no it did not affect my exams.

 

~ Serendipitous