5: Deep thoughts 2 (refinement of the original)

5: Deep thoughts 2 (refinement of the original)

For someone so invested in her academic life and for someone so cheerful around people, it’s hard to believe that your favourite word is melancholia and that your darkest fear is marrying someone who loves you, whose love you cannot reciprocate. You’re afraid of something deeper than that, though. You’re afraid of the worst, but what can be the worst? The fact that you have feelings for two, or the fact that…well. Whatever it is, you haven’t seen it yet. You haven’t had your life spiral downwards just yet. You’re not ready to give up your academic life for just a mere boy. You can give up small things like the ability to love – wait. You think that the ability to love is a small thing? Of course, you’re cynical. Sometimes you forget how cynical you are of love. You’ve been hurt by those you’ve supposedly loved before and so naturally you would believe that it could never happen for you. You see it all the time around you. You see the held hands, the kisses, the passion and of course, you turn away (in disgust). These are beautiful things humans enjoy, the ability to love and to be loved, but you wouldn’t be familiar with the sensation. No, the only things you’re familiar with is the burning of soon to come tears that line the edges of your eyelids after a rejection, a loss, a moment you could only hope could happen in your wildest dreams after you see it. In the end, you’re afraid. You’re afraid that one day someone is going to love you because when that happens, you won’t know what to do. You have known pain, but not real love. Actually, you’re probably not supposed to know what love is like. You know you’ve read too many books. So why all this?

Probably part of teenage angst. That’s probably the only reason for it. This is what comes with being sixteen. And at seventeen too probably. You’re thinking way too deeply. As he would say, you’re overthinking it. But to be real, what haven’t you overthought about? You love to overthink. And sometimes that turns into novel ideas, albeit not the best ones, but still they are legitimate novel ideas.

Sigh.

~Serendipitous

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