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14: Confessions (probably written 20 August 2015)
Messed up when you were thirteen, fourteen, fifteen. These days, some you prefer to forget altogether, some you have already forgotten and some that you remember clearly bright as day. Broken hearts, failed exams, unacceptable work, late submissions, cruel bitches, you’ve basically been there. Most of this still happens, but when you were prepubescent…and now your moods are directly linked to the songs you listen to. You have a happy and and angsty playlist. And funnily enough, both playlists are part of a larger one, your general study playlist. Hilarious. Too much angst. Way too much. In the end, it’s quite clear that despite your denials, you were in pursuit of a high school relationship, recreating the days of ___________. Well, you didn’t then, but you do now. You create your own fantasies, you pen them down, and days later you will look back with curiosity in your eyes and confusion in your heart.
Confessions, because you messed up and you’d like to try again, even though it will be all over within a matter of two years, although it shouldn’t be like this. You’ve thought, sixteen and it’s time to let go. Let go of him, stop being jealous of him, academic life is way more important right now, think about it. After he leaves, it will be as if he never existed. That’s right, you’ll never think of him much again. It’s okay to dream about what could have been.
So while you’re sixteen you think about it as much as you can. It’s okay that –
Oh god whatever comes after this for about a page and a half is hella embarrassing
It hits you that the reason you’re having very random thoughts of dating him is because of his mysterious, bad boy image that you’re drawn to. A hug, inhalation of the smell of your hair, nestled in the crook of his arms, his strong torso against yours…
Darling, it’s time to go to sleep.
Because fantasies will trump reality until reality becomes better than fantasy.
P.S. Oh god haha