16: Streaming these fantasies/thoughts (written 23 August 2015)
You keep thinking about tonight’s sky, how when you become an adult and have a boyfriend who loves you more than you love him, you’ll be able to spend a night with him under the stars, appreciating the life you have, appreciating the beauty of love, appreciating the night sky. Your way of romanticising everything has come back; romanticising the night sky like this =.=’ but you love it. You’ll combat this with a prevailing excuse, that you’re a natural writer, so it’s only fair that you should romanticise everything for the sake of literature (in hindsight, this was actually the weakest argument I could’ve possibly made for anything at all). Of course, you don’t romanticise everything…only certain things, but you do romanticise most things. Yes, like how you will spend a night with a boy of your choosing, preferably a boy who loves you, under the night sky. For some reason, this summer night brings out your inner white sixteen. You’re feeling like a white sixteen year old, an American kind of sixteen, to be able to not worry about an academic life and to be able to spend your days of being sixteen being a romantic teenager, writing about angst and angsting over boys who wholeheartedly don’t deserve the likes of you and fantasising about having a boyfriend to begin with. The fact that it’s Saturday night/Sunday morning probably adds to your sense of white sixteen. No one else probably uses the same term, white sixteen… cue internal laughter.
You’re thinking about that boy again (oh god that one yes THAT one). Internal swoon because you haven”t seen him in two years and you haven’t really received from or sent a message to him in a frew weeks. You’ve talked with him more online than in real life. From the messages you’ve exchanged with him, he obviously (???) still has feelings for you. You haven’t given him much thought until recently, but you’re not really sure.
Oh also, he said that you have changed (perhaps for the worse, was what he was insinuating). You can’t seem to get one piece of conversation out of your head though.
“Why not choose me?”
You can’t get it out of your head. You also can’t get out of your head the fact that he asked if you still liked him, or wanted you to know how hard he studied, or the fact that he hasn’t been interested in any girls his whole high school life…except you (bish he didn’t say this). Though what was it about you that drew him to you? You’re so confused. He’s probably the only one who, to a certain extent, may have loved you in his own way. You’d like to rekindle a relationship with him (yes but NO NO NO DON’T DO IT DON’T DO IT DON’T DO IT OH MY GOD WHY WAS MY PAST SELF SO DUMB) in the future because well why not (past self I hate you)? Your heart beats a little faster when you remember the conversations you exchanged and the way he brought a smile to your face. But why did he ever get drawn to you? How…
P.S. Ok mini rant but first of all that guy is actually an asshole and I don’t really care if he is reading this but he is actually such an asshole and what’s with the God complex like seriously you are not God and can you please stop fucking around with my feelings that is not ok and you’re not ok and I hate you ok end of rant