22: The Day After

22: The Day After

I didn’t really have expectations, so I didn’t know what would happen, but nevertheless, I was still disappointed. I knew I would be disappointed; somehow the fantasies I’d had months before this night wasn’t going to be fulfilled. I had the wrong person, all the wrong people were there, the atmosphere was wrong, the feel was wrong.

Everything was wrong.

I tried to be happy, I really did. It wasn’t my scene, but I tried to fit in. My dress was horrible even though the colour was beautiful. I didn’t pull it off as well as I had envisaged. I was immensely depressed, feet aching, noise blasting from the speakers (mainstream music I couldn’t even classify as music) and I couldn’t…

I couldn’t do anything to fit in. I am not a beautiful person nor can I dance. I was more suited to the world of intelligence where there was no room for beauty or fun or wild life. I could only watch as my friends danced all around me.

Until Uptown Funk came on.

My favourite summer song.

I didn’t like it. It was too expensive and in the end, I guess it wasn’t really worth it.

I really should’ve gotten a better dress though.

And him, her date…well she was her +1, but he was such a gentleman. He was everything I could’ve asked for in a date, except I didn’t know him very well and he was more of a gentleman than my date was. I have no words for my date. I won’t be speaking to him after this.

I know, it’s so weird. I was in love with him for a long time and now this? I don’t think I was ever able to envision a life where I wasn’t loving him, but now here I am, with a cold heart like Ed Sheeran’s girl in “Don’t”, and completely incapable of feeling love or showing love or whatever. I can’t believe this. I have to delete his number, his Facebook, his contact details, everything. We aren’t compatible for each other. I would be better off with no one at all. Why did I keep thinking of him so much?

It occurred to me that we are from different worlds and unable to really relate after all. The only things we talk about are school, academics and nothing about ourselves. We actually know nothing about each other. I think for these last 2 years, I’ve had so many expectations for him. I wanted this for him. I wanted him to be more than this. I wanted him to be something completely different. Of course, like I always say, I’d been living in my head too much so when I was given the reality, of course I was sort of disappointed. It just seems like everything looks better when it’s in my head. I feel the need to retreat more into my head more recently and to just live there in peace without taking shit from anyone else.

Her date was loveable. If I was capable of feeling or falling in love, I think I would’ve fallen in love with him already. He was an absolute gentleman and she is so blessed to have him as a friend even if she has no romantic feelings towards him. He is not all easy on the eyes, but his personality is on par with the boy from June to December, and I am fairly sure his academics are on point, too. He pretty much fits my criteria for a perfect guy, but I know I can’t have him anyway because I don’t love him, and also because I barely know him. I think I’ve said this already.

I didn’t really have a shit night. I think I was trying not to enjoy myself. I know I always talk about not having the capability to love, and I think last night reinforced this for me. I was unable to feel any love in the atmosphere and I was unable to feel anything resembling love. I couldn’t see anything. I was so blinded. I could feel that wall just looming over me. I could feel myself becoming the character in my book. I could feel it. I could feel it because it was realer than the words I had put down in my book. I didn’t know then but I know now. I am incapable of any love. I don’t know why. It must be because of the walls that I’ve built. I’ve built them so high I can’t even climb over them myself anymore.

I wish I found someone to fall in love with last night. I know we’re all high-schoolers and this is the wrong time for it, but I really wish I could’ve fallen in love with someone even if it was just for one night. I danced with him last night but it was all wrong. I don’t want to say that he spoiled it by saying that it was a very cliche thing to do, but he kind of did. Even if it was fake and I was doing it out of obligation and only because he asked me to dance at some point during the night, he still shouldn’t have said it. I couldn’t get a piece of my ethereal last night and I felt horrible. I wanted something more than this. I knew I wanted something more, but I could feel both internal and external forces preventing me from doing so. I couldn’t dance, but I still tried. My feet ache with dull pain today, but it doesn’t compare with last night’s pain.

If I just fell in love with someone, even if they didn’t love me, I could feel that airy and nervous-y happiness I used to be able to feel. I want to feel that way again even though it’s been a long time coming. I want to be able to feel like I have a new priority in life, something else to do with my life, something…something other than this continuous and eternal falling, through this abyss dark with depression and anxiety.

Sounds like I’m romanticising depression and anxiety but I’m really not. I sat in the shower for a long time just letting the water run over my face like tears as I thought about the night. I didn’t really know what to expect. I didn’t fall in love; rather I think I got turned off by the whole idea of it. I think…I don’t know. I want to be able to say a lot of things. Even here I am limited by the fast thoughts running through my mind and my typing speed. I can think only so much. I want to fall in love. I wanted to be happy. It’s been a long time since I was and I wish I could feel that way again, like I don’t have a care in the world and that I have someone by my side.

Gross. What am I even trying to do? I don’t even know. I don’t want to even know anymore. Reality sucks. I’m going back into my head. I’m going to stop going to social events. I want to be a nerd girl again. I want to be able to live life normally, not like this crap. It’s unnatural.

Maybe I just like feeling like crap. Like I said, I live in my head too much. I don’t talk enough to other people. I only talk to me.

I’m depressing. Please save yourself and don’t read this any more if you don’t want to.

 

~ Serendipitous

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