23: Some thoughts from living in my head
No one knows what’s inside my head except me but today I’m willing to share about what’s inside my head.
It doesn’t look like anything inside a house or a building or anything like that. It’s just one, vast, expanseless wasteland. Well, not a wasteland, but think about a wasteland with memories which way and that and numbers in the sky and fantasies going on in the horizon and stark cold reality happening where you’re standing. I may see what’s happening with my eyes, but inside my head, I am far, far, away where no one can reach me except myself.
When I’m in my head I’m free to select my own memory or fantasy to view. I just find it in the wasteland and then I just watch it, like I’m in a movie theatre. It just plays on the big screen. There is a pause button, but sometimes it doesn’t work. Sometimes the movie goes on and on and on and the only way to pause it is to wake up or be jolted back into reality where I have to communicate with other people.
There are more fantasies than memories. The numbers in the sky are from questions I’ve done before in the past, previous math scores, numbers that mean something to me, and so much more. The colour of the sky changes depends on my mood, but when I’m not really thinking about it, it’s grey or colourless. It’s not really a sky. But it still exists there as a space inside my head. Yes, there are more fantasies than memories. The horizon is filled with them. My eyes always manage to find one and then I’m able to select it and view it and cry my own eyes out. Sleep comes easier when I’m tired. When I sleep, I’m able to choose whatever fantasies I want. There’s a build-a-fantasy station just a bit further away from the horizon. I never have to walk to get to anywhere though. Somehow if I’m thinking of it, it’ll be there, like the Room of Requirement.
I try to go to sleep quite a lot more often, just to get to that build-a-fantasy station. I get that sleep comes to me easier because I know fantasies are better than reality, but that’s not really great, is it…either way, until reality becomes better than fantasy, sleep is my only significant other. I use sleep as an excuse to escape reality. I really do. It’s not me though, but I still use it as an excuse. What is better than fantasy after all? In the head, it’s all real to me, and that’s all it matters. I can’t believe that I’m doing this to myself. I’m actually intentionally putting myself through this. Why? Because it’s enjoyable. If I can’t manipulate others, why not manipulate myself? After all I can trick myself into things I normally wouldn’t be able to trick others into. It’s fun. I know it’s a trick, but I still play along.
I feel like I have a mental disorder.
I don’t really hear voices in my head though. It’s just my voice. I try not to be