32: The Quest for Self-Assertion and Revenge

32: The Quest for Self-Assertion and Revenge

Quarter to one in the morning and it had been a hectic Saturday. I was on my way upstairs to go to sleep when I nodded my head forward a little naturally and a small spider fell out of my hair, onto my phone, and then finally, onto the floor.

Whatever just happened were obviously most girls’ nightmares. However, I didn’t scream. Instead, I just said what the eff (but I don’t say eff). It takes me a few seconds to process before I eye the little spider with an intense ferocity. Then I take my flight up the stairs and collapse in my room on my bed, still trying to allow myself to process the seemingly near-death experience I had “narrowly escaped”. By some strange otherworldliness however, I went back downstairs, past the spider and retrieved the can of Mortein Naturgard. Luckily (for me, not so luckily for the spider), it was still in the same position where it had fallen from my head (it was behind some upright axles). I shook the can and held my finger against the trigger. For me, it was an incredibly suspenseful moment. The white chemicals sprayed out noisily but effectively. Evidently, the spider was perturbed and began to crawl away from the axles and out into the open. I was whisper-screaming, clutching my phone in my left hand and the green can of Naturgard in my right. On and on I continued to spray, whisper-screaming, my eyes trained on the little creepy crawly making its way to the other side of the corridor. A thin film of white began to coat the spider and the ground it was covering. Now that I reflect on it, a little less than half a can of Naturgard on a tiny spider the size of the pad of my thumb was probably a bit of overkill, but I have severe arachnophobia.

The spider began to crawl up the side of a thin beam and I continued to spray it. Halfway up the beam, it slowed its ascent. It was at this point that my finger left the trigger on the Naturgard and I inhaled a little air before I began a fit of violent coughing.

You’re supposed to be in a well-ventilated area to be able to spray something for so long. Unfortunately for me, all the Naturgard spray was contained in that corridor. I made my escape upstairs to breathe and cough out the rest of the “natural” chemicals. I guess it was another near death experience for me.

Once I had finished hacking up my lungs, I rushed back downstairs to check on the spider. It had fallen off the side of the beam and onto the floor, where it was lying unceremoniously on its back, its legs curled in its death position. One of its legs weakly scratched at the air. I blew out a breath of disgust. For good measure, I sprayed the body a few more times just to make sure (what the hell).

All the while I had been filming my bold moves on my camera and uploading them to my friends on Facebook Messenger. While I was messaging them an interesting thought occurred to me.

“This is an assertion that I don’t need no man to protect me. I’m a strong-willed, independent woman who don’t need no man to kill her creepy crawlies for her. A half-can of Naturgard is all I need and it will do the trick!”

Sixteen year old girls.

I mean, seriously. It had somehow gotten into my hair without my permission and my knowing until it had fallen out. There was no way I’d be able to sleep while knowing that it was still alive and in my house, crawling about. I had to get my revenge.

Sixteen year old girls like me, honestly.


~ Serendipitous

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