56: A Plane Letter Of My Own
Dear best guy friend,
Yes, you know who you are. I think it was your plane which flew overhead near my house around 11.40 am. I had the chance to look out the window, but the noise was deafening. I also had to finish the last maths problem in my book before I could allow myself to be distracted.
I should be doing my maths or my sciences now, but I’m so happy, too happy to do anything but write a plane letter of my own. I know I asked you to write me a plane letter, but chances are you are only flicking through the not-quite-endless entertainment channel on the plane. Or watching a movie you’ve chosen now, but I don’t really care.
I’m not even on a plane and still I’m writing a plane letter to you. Don’t you feel so special? Don’t worry, I won’t guilt trip you into thinking anything or anything. I also won’t make nearly as many shitty jokes in this as you would in your own plane letter to me.
Thank you for being my best guy friend. I know we only recently started talking to each other more but I feel like I’ve learned a great many things about you (and you’ve definitely learned a great many things about me, seeing that you like to use so many things that you’ve learned about me against me, you naughty boy). You are the underappreciated friend everyone has, but I appreciate you for staying up with me well into the night to talk about nothing. I know you have trust issues with me (I say one thing, but I’m really thinking another [I really do miss you though, it will be 3 days until you get an Internet connection and in the meantime I do have to have a life without talking to you]). But then again, I think everyone has trust issues with someone else. I know I have trust issues with myself. Sometimes I don’t even know if I really mean what I say, or if I really mean whatever I’m thinking inside. It’s like, my thoughts are intrusive.
Ah yes, I was going to let you know about my intrusive thoughts at some point. It was really intrusive. It was totally uncalled for. I didn’t need to have that thought thrust upon me like a mother thrusts disgusting vegetables upon her young ones.
As I tried to fall asleep (and not actively wait for your messages, because you have such a poor reply game), it intruded on me like a robber taking…taking what, I don’t know. I’ll not say that I will never view you as more than a best friend, because honestly, we’ve been saying pretty dodgy things to each other and confusing one another with what we’re saying over the years. And it would actually be lying if I said that. You can get easily demoted to stranger in a matter of seconds because you’re making too many shitty jokes (but then I will always promote you back up to your original status, after enough crying emojis and begging for forgiveness. And then the cycle will repeat itself, and so on, and so forth, like the cycle of time). That’s not what the intrusive thoughts were, though.
“I wouldn’t mind giving you my first kiss.”
That has been the most intrusive thought to have ever existed, at least for me. I had never actually even considered doing anything romantic with you (you’re my best guy friend, why would I?!) until this point, but then I’d always put a stop to it. I hope you do have eyes for her, even though both of you haven’t spoken for a long time. I keep trying to push you to communicate with her, I suppose, yet it doesn’t seem to be working out very well; you always seem to be talking to me. Am I your only friend? (lol)
There were more intrusive thoughts than that one, though. Something like, oh, I wouldn’t mind hugging you either for a long time. I wouldn’t mind doing couple things with you. I wouldn’t mind doing a lot of things with you. What if we get married? What if you’re my soulmate all along? Stupid brain, honestly. They just came in one by one like an unwelcoming torrent of emotion I simply did not ask for.
It was terrible.
Other people reading this might think, what the f-, but they won’t say eff, and they’ll be confused. I suppose you would be confused too. Why is your best girl friend having these thoughts?
I’m going to have to say sorry. Humans are complex beings and I guess thee isn’t really much I can do about these thoughts. I never really actively engaged with them. They’re just there, trying to make my life worse. It’s hard enough as it is juggling five two-year relationships with my syllabuses as it is.
This plane letter is nowhere near long enough. With any luck you’re going to be writing me a 100-word paragraph saying that you miss me and give me heart emojis even though the effects won’t work because I have a scrub Motorola (thanks a lot, best guy friend(!)).
Also, while you’re out of the country, try not to get sick. I don’t even know if WordPress is available where you are.
I’m going to miss you for a few days while you get the Internet working. Of course, I have gone at least two weeks without talking to you, but it’s been a while since we didn’t talk to each other for a longer amount of time. It’s an unusual feeling. Don’t miss me too much.