93: Delayed Thoughts
As you watched the fireworks light up the sky so well you could see the clouds hovering above the city in the inky black darkness, you waited for that rush of hormones to surge through your body, to tell you that “it’s a new year, and so a new you will be born”. To be honest, you’re still waiting for it. At the same time, you’re still sixteen despite a full rotation around the Sun and you can’t allow yourself for that change to happen just yet. You want to be sixteen and live the sixteen life well before you have your seventeenth birthday.
There were so many beautiful yet tragic events to have happened to you in 2015. Perhaps it is good that you’ve left them behind, but at the same time the memories will always linger. They’ll be here in the cobwebbed corners of your blog. They’ll be here in your bedroom, on your social media, in your journal, in your notebook – they’ll be everywhere. It’s kind of upsetting, but at the same time, relieving. Upsetting because some of these things you want to forget about entirely but at the same time, relieving because you love being able to reminisce about the past and to relive your own memories even as time moves forward.
You’re afraid of 2016 and 2017. These will be the years that determine your future, determine what goes on your CV, determine so many things for you. You’ve been afraid for a while, but now that it’s 2016, you’re even more afraid. HSC used to be 6, 5, 4, 3, 2 years away and now it’s so close. It’s only 646 days away.
You still have to have the countdown don’t you and why? You don’t have any good reason to keep it other than to scare yourself into studying-
And scare myself into doing nothing and going to sleep and hoping I’ll never need to wake up again because it’s something I don’t want to face.
You want it to be over and done with, but you need to know so many things and hope that you get them all right. You’ll never be ready. You just have to be ready enough. But can you ever be ready enough?
You’re not sure, you want to be, but how? How can you be if there is, well, you don’t know. You’re afraid because you’re growing up, and you’ve spent so much time living by the fact that HSC was so far away, and now, in the blink of an eye, you will be sitting in your school hall taking the first exam and frankly, that’s just too much to handle at the moment, even though you’re supposed to be enjoying your summer holiday.
The last summer holiday where you can relax a little without freaking about the pressures of academia weighing you down.