251: Some Advice
Cry over test results, not boys.
251: Some Advice
Cry over test results, not boys.
She dreams. It is a restless dream. Eyeless fish, one-eyed humans, three-eyed horses. She wakes up clutching her own eyes, her cold hands sealing her eyelids shut. In a way, the dream continues.
I haven’t felt like this in a long time. I haven’t felt the need to feel this way for so long.
I feel incompetent. I feel small, insignificant, worthless. In a room full of lit lightbulbs, I must be one of the dimmest. I feel inferior, shunned, looked down upon.
Ok, I’m fine with not being a prefect, I didn’t deserve that. I am fine with a lot of things. I don’t know. Today wasn’t my day, and having to see that someone else’s day was perfect and stellar as it usually was, for a lot of someones, it made me feel worse. I am slowly picking up my maths game, but I have never been good at anything, so I still feel beaten down.
I feel like crying. The first time you cry in the day, you always want to keep crying. That’s what I want to do. I feel the immense urge to cry, yet I cannot let anything out. I feel like dying. I want to die in my bed underneath warm blankets with Stromae’s Papaoutai blasting in my ears at full volume, to the point my ears bleed. Of course, that’s unrealistic and I have so many things I need to do, and goals I want to fulfil, but who cares about stupid things like that when death can end all this bullshit
I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to overreact. I still want to die. Nothing is going right in my life. I don’t know if I can pick up anything. I’m scared. I’ve never felt so trapped, restrained, weak in my life. I don’t want to feel like this any longer. I don’t know what to say anymore so I’m just going to bed to sleep. To erase this feeling of incompetency. I want to wake up empty and not remember anything.
248: Parisian Love
Before a girl goes to bed, she puts in her earphones and turns on some of her favourite French tunes. She envisages meeting a mature Frenchman at a café at night, a clandestine meeting of some sorts. Dancing with him. Sharing a kiss with him under a Parisian streetlight.
Then she falls asleep, and dreams. What she is dreaming of is yet to happen. A girl is to make a report the following morning.
Some kind of grand adventure I’m going on but having no idea what I’m doing with it
247: 2.40 am
I have come to the despondent realisation that it wasn’t a fictive term that I’ve been throwing about this whole time – I have built walls so high even I cannot climb over them. It’s been a while. What’s behind that high wall? A lot of emotion. A little sixteen year old sweetheart told me she had a lot of love to give, and no one to receive it. So she built a wall to protect it.
It is easy to break a wall though. Just use a wrecking ball, someone said. Sorry, I’ve tried that. This isn’t some ordinary brick wall. It’s made of something far stronger. I don’t know if I can break it. I mean, I should be able to. I am the one who built the wall. But now I want to tear it down. Unleash the emotion hiding behind that wall. One day I will meet someone and I will want to shower them with the affection I was never given.
I would like to think that I am trying. That I am able to give love to people.Well, more specifically, men who…
Sorry the subconscious wasn’t working anymore and I won’t remember this on the morning, I have a life to get back to
246: Letters to No One (#3)
I know a boy who resembles Donnie Yen. We used to…I haven’t seen him in a while. We’re probably less than ten kilometres apart, yet…who cares ahaha
Lately, I’ve been craving affection. I am always craving affection, actually. This should be called letters to a future boyfriend, but I’m mentioning another, so…letters to no one it is.
I was thinking, maybe when we all grow up, and I get a boyfriend, can you tell him for me that he should kiss me everyday? Well, let’s be a little more realistic than that. Can you tell him for me that he should kiss me every moment we’re together, no, sorry, I’m being even more unrealistic.
Sorry, I’m rambling. To the future boyfriend, will you promise to kiss me at least once every time we see each other? And a hug, and an exchange of whatever. Yes. Date nights with a movie and dinner. Lunch at cafes when we can afford it. Spending time with each other. Yes. I’ll let you know when I know who you are. May our relationship live long and prosper.
Seriously why do I think of these things when I am barely out of high school and emotionally unavailable and completely disinterested in anything that isn’t related to my life right now
So yes after assessments I think more and more about kisses. The taste, the feel, the person you kiss, do they love you, do you love them, do you have to love them to kiss them, no probably not but then again do I love anyone as much as I love myself perhaps not so is it ok to randomly give away your first kiss I don’t know anymore I might as well throw all caution to the wind I am very obsessed with kisses this is unhealthy but kisses must be intoxicating if I don’t kiss and I find it intoxicating what will happen when I find someone and kiss them regularly what happens then you tell me