231: Here’s a Thing or Two About Rejection
This is for all the boys out there who, at some point in their short lives, have been rejected by a girl they had a crush on, regardless of how big or small the crush was.
I have been through that kind of pain. Countless, numerous rejections, one-sided relationships, unrequited loves, failed relationships, whatever. I have been through it and that is probably why I am done having feelings for people until I know for sure that I have found someone who I can really be with. But for now, that person isn’t in my life and I am looking especially at the boy in the shadows, reading this right now. This is, really, for you.
Girls have their own reasons for rejecting a guy. So do boys for girls, but that’s a different story. Girls might not be emotionally available, might not like you simply because you’re you, might not want to be with you because she’s in love with somebody else, and the list goes on and on. So why have I rejected you? It’s because I don’t want a relationship. I write letters to my future boyfriend and future husband because I think of them as the people I will meet after high school, not necessarily in high school. Despite my relentless desire for affection and love myself, I will push you away because I prioritise my studies over you. Forgive me if a lifelong dream must be pursued over a mere fling with the wrong person.
Here’s another thing. Relationships in high school don’t work out unless you’re going to be together in your late twenties or early thirties and your parents approve of each other and you’re all going to be just fine. American teen romance has basically just given you so many unrealistic expectations that you need to let go of. While I hate the idea of romantic relationships right now, it doesn’t mean that I don’t want one in the future. I just feel that these things don’t work out in high school (for people like me) because I don’t think either of us have sufficient experience and specific needs that we could fulfil for each other. A real relationship is much more than the awkward confessions, brief hugs and stolen kisses. It’s more about morally, emotionally, psychologically supporting each other and having someone you can be there for when they need it, having someone you can look forward to coming home to, someone you can be yourself with, someone who will accept you for what your soul is worth and who you are and vice versa.
So yeah, maybe after you’ve read that, you will realise that there is nothing you can do. I hope that you have already realised that and tried to move on. I used to still talk to the guys I confessed to after they had turned me down, but only as friends. You can continue to be good friends with someone who has turned you down, this I know for sure because I have been the rejected one.
To be honest, I had never expected you to even come remotely close to developing feelings for me. I had very, very briefly considered it when I first met you, but the circumstances were so ridiculous that I didn’t even pursue that avenue of thought any longer. I tried to be clueless, like I told you about. I really did. I didn’t want anything to do with that romantic life, having feelings, loving someone. After so many failed attempts, all I can feel for anyone right now is nothingness. No blossoming of the heart like it used to be. No violent butterflies in the stomach anymore. No feelings, nothing.
Who am I on a daily basis? A girl who has wanted to become a dentist since she was seven. A girl with limited interactions with boys. A girl who loves her studies ardently despite the grief it causes her at times. A girl who is emotionally unavailable for people not in her group of friends. A girl who is, frankly, someone you don’t deserve because all the boys out there deserve to have the greatest love in the world. As a vulnerable seventeen year old child with no love to give because she doesn’t fully love herself yet, I must confess one thing. Feeling emotionally empty on a daily basis is something I chose. I chose to be clueless and cold-hearted because it is easier. I am lazy and like to take the easiest way out. I enjoy being by myself and with a few select friends. I enjoy the freedom that comes with being single. I enjoy drowning in academia because it is the only thing I try to care about, however twisted that may sound.
One day, the academia will pass. It will no longer be something I have to devote my entire existence to. One day, I will find a key someone left behind and it will help me re-learn what it means, how it feels to be in love. One day, I will re-learn how to fall in love as blissfully and easily as I did before my sixteenth Christmas. And I hope that is the day that you yourself will understand what love is to you when you meet someone else.
Of course, if none of the above doesn’t apply to you, don’t worry. Things needed to be said. Recently, there are a lot of things that I have needed to say. I wish it wasn’t like this.