249: Incompetency

249: Incompetency

I haven’t felt like this in a long time. I haven’t felt the need to feel this way for so long.

I feel incompetent. I feel small, insignificant, worthless. In a room full of lit lightbulbs, I must be one of the dimmest. I feel inferior, shunned, looked down upon.

Ok, I’m fine with not being a prefect, I didn’t deserve that. I am fine with a lot of things. I don’t know. Today wasn’t my day, and having to see that someone else’s day was perfect and stellar as it usually was, for a lot of someones, it made me feel worse. I am slowly picking up my maths game, but I have never been good at anything, so I still feel beaten down.

I feel like crying. The first time you cry in the day, you always want to keep crying. That’s what I want to do. I feel the immense urge to cry, yet I cannot let anything out. I feel like dying. I want to die in my bed underneath warm blankets with Stromae’s Papaoutai blasting in my ears at full volume, to the point my ears bleed. Of course, that’s unrealistic and I have so many things I need to do, and goals I want to fulfil, but who cares about stupid things like that when death can end all this bullshit

I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to overreact. I still want to die. Nothing is going right in my life. I don’t know if I can pick up anything. I’m scared. I’ve never felt so trapped, restrained, weak in my life. I don’t want to feel like this any longer. I don’t know what to say anymore so I’m just going to bed to sleep. To erase this feeling of incompetency. I want to wake up empty and not remember anything.

 

~ Serendipitous

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