288: Waiting for Word Vomit
For a while I’ve wanted to do a stream of consciousness piece. There are too many thoughts that are jumbled in my head. I can no longer think chronologically or in an orderly manner. So I must say something about it.
I don’t know, today was turbulent. Turbulent, full of my tears, whatnot. I’m tired, I’ll try to make this short. Throughout today I keep telling myself the same thing. It’s too hard being emotionally unavailable. I should just be emotionally available, be emotionally invested into the relationships I want to be emotionally invested in, like my friends, close friends, very close friends. Yes. It’s too hard being emotionally unavailable because in the end I do want to be there for everyone even if it means it costs me something. I don’t know. I’m tired of feeling nothing except a bundle of nerves that I deaden when I think, am I really feeling alive or am I just living? I’m sorry for everyone that I hurt, I like to say hurtful and vitriolic things when I’m angry. There’s a part of me that I don’t like to talk about it but I should just say it – there’s a part of me that likes to hurt people when I least expect it. When I’m angry. I should control my anger. That’s why I have few friends, because I can’t control my anger. Thank you to my soul sister for comforting and consoling me through beautiful calligraphic writing because I know you don’t like tears and friends crying to you for emotional help and support but you’ve done more than enough for me and I’m ever thankful. I will apologise to the friend that I spoke harshly to. It was wrong of me. I don’t think an apology will cover it. I will, I can only hope that we can move forward and continue our friendship. Why do I do this to myself, I don’t know. I will try to be nice. I want to love like I used to.
I don’t like how my past keeps following me around though. It seems like I can’t talk to a boy or a man without someone thinking that perhaps this might be the blossoming of a fruitful romantic relationship. Goodness. It really gets to me. I know I have history with people, some boys, but why does it have to be still brought up? Why do people still care? It’s like my soul sister said, it’s like having a criminal record that follows you like a bad smell even if you do good community things and give back to the community or something like that. People will remember you because you were a criminal, not because you did a good deed for your local community. People are going to remember me because I used to flirt with so many boys and fell in love so easily, not because I help people with their homework or because I tried to be there for the people who needed me most or because of any good thing I’ve ever done. I hate myself for who I am. I tried too hard to copy, emulate what my parents have. They have love and I want that too, but what am I doing? I need to set my priorities straight. I should’ve just spent my junior school years with friends and gaming. Who needed to study then? Nobody. But I still chose to and now I don’t choose to, and it will be my downfall, shortcoming, whatever.
This is why I want to move interstate to study at university. Sure, there are dental schools in New South Wales. But I’m moving because I’m tired of my history following me around. I’m tired of being remembered as the girl who was hopelessly in love with the boys’ school’s most hated student. I’m tired of being remembered as the flirtatious one even though I never did anything more than talk to the boys who were in my life. And think about them, but that’s irrelevant. I’m tired of being surrounded by people who give me shit in life and I’m tired of being with .. well I can’t say I’m tired of being with my friends. At times they will give me the support I want and I will give them the support they need but honestly at the end of the day I am tired. I want to see new people, construct a new me, construct a new identity. I want to meet people who don’t know my history with various people. I want to meet people who are going to remember me as a sweet girl who has a mad obsession with Game of Thrones, people who are going to remember me as a passionate, vivacious young lady who wants to practise dentistry for the rest of her life. People in Sydney are going to remember me as a flirtatious, air-headed wastrel. So I will do everything and anything to prepare myself for the next year and two months, so I can leave this all behind me.
But I really am tired, so I am going to bed.