304: Girl in Love (Drabble)
It hurts. Honestly, it does. It’s like someone stabbed you in the heart, twisted it, and waited for all the tingles to strangle your ribcage, your stomach, your thighs, calves and finally your feet before they take the knife out of you. Except for me, the knife stays where it is for a long time.
It hurts, watching your best friend fall in love when you thought you could keep her forever. She tells me about him, the new soulmate, the future they’ll share with each other. This was us once upon a time, but only as best friends, and nothing more. Everyday, I go home and punch the pillows on my bed. How did I get myself into this emotional mess? I didn’t ask to fall in love with her. She’s my best friend, but I want more than that. Sometimes I wonder if she can see the desire in my eyes for her, wishing that her beautiful smile was for me and not for him. Although she still smiles at me, I recognise it as the smile she gives all her friends, not just me.
Perhaps the first time I realised I needed to let go was when she called me late at night, asking me to visit her. My parents were asleep and I had no business to be still up, but I left the house quietly to see her, my subdued passion undulating in time with my excited heart. Her parents were not at home, but she invited me in quickly.
“Sit down, I’ve got something to tell you,” she told me, excitement twinkling in her eyes.
For the briefest of seconds, I dared to hope that she would make a confession of love to me.
“What is it?” I asked her.
“I think he’s the one-”
At this point, I tuned out. I assumed my best listening pose, my listening expression, half-smirked, everything, but inside I could feel everything harden. My cold feet became slabs of marble, my muscles frozen in place of time, my heart turning into stone. I could feel the voices in my head chanting the vows I had never wished to think about.
“I don’t believe in love anymore. Love’s stupid. Who needs love? I’ll be fine on my own. I don’t need her. I don’t need anyone. I am my own team. I loved her once, but not anymore. This is for me…”
The voices kept speaking over each other. At some point I realised I fell asleep, because she was looking at me with a genuinely concerned expression. I could almost feel myself slipping into that abyss again, but I drew back.
“I’m sorry,” I mumbled.
She leaned over me to hear me better, but I turned my head away.
“I won’t love again until I find another who loves me too.”
Same, except I empathise with the boy a lot more than the girl. Mostly.