306: Letters to No One (5)
Somehow I have a better idea of who you are, who we might be, who we could be together. I still have so many things to find out about you, though.
For some reason, I feel better telling you this here even though I could easily just message you a long 1000 word not-essay like I did for you last time. It’s so weird. I feel like I could say this, and forget about it, wait for you to read it and then tell me all about it. I don’t mind. You’re busy at the moment, actually, so I don’t want to bother you. We also have exams coming up soon, but me being the memory person I am, I don’t want to forget about this so early.
I’m sorry. Move slowly. Make haste slowly. What am I doing? I don’t know. To be honest, I’m very scared. I don’t think either of us expected this. We already talked about it, but I’m even more scared of this than just a spider. I have given you the power to destroy me. I have given you the power to do anything for me or against me, and honestly that is scary. I am more afraid of being hurt by you than I am by tripping over my feet. I don’t know why. There’s just this inky black fear gripping my heart and squeezing ever so slightly. I haven’t been this terrified since last year, whatever happened last year. I don’t remember. I can’t remember the last time I felt this way about anyone, really.
You could be it for me. That scares me, too. Wouldn’t you want to see someone else as well? I don’t know. I’m insecure. I have to fix that, sorry. I don’t know. It’s hard when fantasy has literally become a reality, but I’m still unsure of what I’m doing. I’m afraid of everything. I’m not such a big risk taker, but this is the riskiest thing I’ve done with you. I’m trying to be brave. Every song you recommend to me just makes me listen to it more because it reminds me of you, and I love thinking about you. I can’t stop. They weren’t kidding when they said it’s like a drug. But GRRM wasn’t kidding when he said love is our greatest glory and tragedy at the same time.