318: A Letter to My Honey When She’s Feeling Down

318: A Letter to My Honey When She’s Feeling Down

To my honey,

I know you’re feeling quite upset with yourself, for numerous reasons I shall not name since we are on a time constraint at the moment. I care about your mental wellbeing more than anything else, so I just wanted to let you know that it does get better.

It’s nobody’s fault that nature gets the best of us sometimes. You just have to adapt with that. Even if accidents happen, like getting sick, in the end your significant other still loves you. And hopefully you still love them. I know you might not want to hear the voice of reason now, but don’t ever spend more than five minutes being upset with your honey. Now that I think about it, it is a bit irrational to get upset, but everyone gets upset at some point, so it’s okay. I know how you feel. I miss you, honey. I haven’t needed to talk to you in forever, but I guess now is as great a time as any.

You left me alone once you found the life that is worth living. You left me, the shell, behind, and made your own identity. I love you for that. But I still miss you. Don’t you remember what it was like to have no emotions but throw violent fits? I do. I haven’t done anything since you left me, but I’m glad I get this chance to speak to you now. I know maybe you’re still a little angry, but you will work this out with them. You love them so wholeheartedly and so wholesomely that sometimes it almost pushes me over the edge and gives me feelings, too. But I hold back. I am the darkness in your life that you don’t need anymore, although occasionally I will come back and act as the voice of reason. Isn’t that funny?

Forgive and forget. Well, not entirely forget, but don’t ever hold anything against them. I have a feeling that this one is going to be the one you spend the rest of your life with. Don’t make our darkest thoughts true. Don’t cheat on them when you’re in a serious relationship with them. Don’t you ever let him go. I’m telling you this because I don’t want you to come back to the dark side with me. I was glad you left me when you did, because then you stopped hurting the people you love. I’ll always be here, a figment of your imagination. I am trying to be good myself, but I’ll never truly cross over from the dark side. Oh who am I kidding, this letter is for you about you, not about me. Keep safe.

 

~ Serendipitous

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317: Nausea

317: Nausea 

You’re lying perfectly still, but the world is spinning too fast for you to comprehend. You don’t understand this. There’s a sinking kind of feeling in your stomach, sinking down to your feet, although by the laws of physics it should be sinking down to your right side. Whatever that means. You’re rambling again. A dull ache on the right side of your face. Self-induced? Who knows.

Instead of trying to slow the world down, you close your eyes. The endless gloom that is pitch black somehow traps you in a pocket of time where no one else can reach you. Your stomach growls. Your mind deafens. Broken heart. Limbed paralysis. You are the textbook example of a woman who has succumbed to the illness that is severe melancholia. How interesting it is that you have not submerged yourself in these deep waters for a while. You forget there ever was such thing as happiness. The dream, it seems, is over. In a way, the dream continues, only it darkens and begins to rot in the recesses of your mind. 

“Don’t be sad, dear. Try to see it from his perspective. He is feeling ill, so it would be better for him to stay at home. Rest and recover, or was it rest and recuperate? You as well. It would be better for you to stay at home, too.” 

“Fuck off. You are the voice I never want to hear when I’m depressed. Why are you even here now? Just let me go.” 

“It’s okay for you to feel this way. Just understand that maybe it’s not a good idea to feed yourself this poison.” 

“You know what I feel like? No, you don’t, but I’ll tell you anyway. I feel like screaming. I want to smash something. I want to break someone else’s heart, again. Maybe my own. I don’t know. I never want to let go of this rage. I know if I keep it all bottled up, eventually I will reach a breaking point and someone else might see it when I don’t want them to. This kind of bottled up resentment pushes people away, even if they don’t realise it themselves. I try to be a good person. I forgive and forget easily. But sometimes I want to go back to who I was in June.” 

~ Serendipitous 

316: Letters to No One (6)

316: Letters to No One (6) 

I love writing these. As if I’m addressing these to no one, and everyone at the same time.

I love you. Oh my god, I love you so much. It consumes my entire being, my existence, my soul, my everything. “I” becomes “we” and “us”. It’s so exhilarating. I’ve been alive since I first met you. I’ve never felt greater joy than I have now, though I think there are going to be even better blossoms of emotion to be experienced when we grow older. I think about you so much. You’re in my thoughts all the time. I try not to let you run through my mind all day though, because I know you can get tired. I’m still working hard, don’t you worry.

You know too many things about me. You’re the only one I’ve opened up to about things in my life I wouldn’t even reveal to my friends. You’re the only one I can’t lie to. For someone who does a lot of that and lives half her life a lie, I think that’s pretty amazing. I try not to live a lie, and I don’t when I’m with you. You’ve changed me for the better. You’re everything I’ve asked for and more. That sets me off into tears every time. I really like that. Well, not crying about it.

I’ve always wondered what the greatest love story ever written was and is. To tell you the truth, I think it’s ours. You came at an opportune time in my life when I was least expecting you. I was expecting you interstate, but you were a lot closer to home. Some of these expressions you’ve heard from me already. But it feels good saying it here.

I love you. I love you so much. You’re truly my real first love, at a time where I have developed more or less an awareness of the world and am able to keep memories longer than they have been recorded. You have half of my heart. I’ve already given it to you willingly. As Augustus says in The Fault in Our Stars, “It would be a privilege to have my heart broken by you”. How annoying that I have to borrow from a book, but it’s okay, I will come up with more original lines for you, because you deserve nothing less.

I’ve written love letters before, but nothing comes close to this declaration of what I believe is pure, untarnished, raw, passionate love for someone I want to share the rest of my life with, even though your adolescence is supposed to be spent looking for the one or something. I wouldn’t know, because I think I’ve found the one already. Too soon? Who cares. I love you. I won’t stop saying it. It keeps running through my head. I love you. I love you. I love you. And it doesn’t lose meaning for me like I feared it would. In fact, it just intensifies. Truly, I love you. I don’t know what else to say.

 

~ Serendipitous

315: Embrace

315: Embrace

People come and go in our lives. Occasionally, we’ll think about who we were then and what we were like when we were in their lives and they were in ours. I always think about the people I’ve embraced, physically and metaphorically. They all become a blur, eventually, so I always think about the people who are in my life now. The people here, the people who will leave, and the people who will stay.

I think, lately, of the embraces I share with the people I love. They weren’t kidding about oxytocin. They really weren’t. Some embraces you share with people just goes to show you how much deeper you’re falling in love with them. And vice versa, perhaps. A hug can tell you a lot of things. Do they like you? Do they love you? Do they want you? The questions are limited, but these questions have answers. I think it’s quite safe to say that all the answers are yes.

 

~ Serendipitous

I mean yeah and hopefully they think the same uhh haha

314: Restless

314: Restless

I used to be such a heavy sleeper. Give me five minutes and I would be knocked out, dead asleep, probably with a small smile on my face.

Now I need more than just five minutes. Who knows, probably 20 or even 100 minutes pass before I even fall into some kind of tortured stage of light sleep. The same thing keeps tormenting me, even though I tried to bury it. The slightest sound of the morning birds chirping, the dim light of grey outside, these wake me when I need it least.

So I used to be such a heavy sleeper, and I preferred it that way.

 

~ Serendipitous

Edit: 5.20 am