310: Real World
I forget what it’s like in the real world. When your world is exam block, love, friendship and the Internet, it’s hard to give yourself time to be in the real world. I wish I was still in exam block, though. I wasn’t ready to feel the pain today when I did.
Walking down the main road by myself with music in my ears and faceless businessmen walking by me gave me some time to think. What a blessing it is that I did not have to relearn the emotion, the feeling that is love for another human being. But what a curse it is that I overthink and accidentally bring about heartbreak that really shouldn’t be there. I don’t even know what I was thinking. Some dark thought crossed my mind and I felt wounded in my chest. It’s that same numbing feeling that first strikes your heart and then spreads to the rest of your torso, just as it did when you were in love in junior school. It’s exactly the same even if it is given different circumstances. Unlike any other pain, it forces tears to spring n my eyes. How unfortunate I am to be overcome with such sadness and an overwhelming need to shut myself off ss I did last Christmas. I figured out a solution to this incessant problem of too much emotion…either cry it out or go to sleep. Death with benefits, temporary death, knowing you’ll come back to life with a clean slate and having no knowledge of the sadness which will be absent when you snap your eyes open again.