337: Isolation (SOC)
Life. Academic pressures, family life, private life, internal turmoil. Constant exhaustion. Constant backlash. Lately, it seems like nothing I do is right, nothing I do can let me win in this game of life.
A few months ago I read articles about how a girl can become distanced from her friends once she finds her significant other, or something like that. I was intrigued. At that point in my life, my friends were on par with my studies in terms of priority. Although I was on my personal quest for true happiness, i.e. finding my significant other, it never crossed my mind that the same thing could happen to me. It’s really strange. I can’t win. I can always hear myself saying that, that I can’t win.
At first, I really thought that it was because I’m in the last year of high school and everyone is ramping up the pressure and productivity and efficiency, that maybe in my quest to contact my teachers and make sure I was doing alright in all my classes, I had neglected my friends. To be honest, I don’t know where I went wrong. I did not go wrong. I did not choose anybody over anybody else or other people. I stopped sending memes and links to breaking news articles to the group chat because no one ever responded with anything other than a ‘lol’ or nothing at all, just the seen script indicating to me that they had seen my message. I began sending them to my significant other, and he would respond. He would take the time to read them all, respond and we’d talk for a few seconds or a few minutes about the thing I had sent. I felt like I was cared about and that we were able to talk about real world issues while battling our own academic struggles. But did anyone in that group chat ever do that with me? Perhaps, but not anymore. However, on the other hand, when someone else sends something to the group chat, everyone else will respond to a larger extent than they ever would have for me. Guys, what are you doing? I feel unimportant and disregarded because of this. I would tell you outright in the group chat, but I’ve been replaced by my best friend and I have no one to tell this to except my S.O. He’s been more or less understanding, and trying to get me to see your perspectives without being hostile like you were, but I don’t like the situation you’re presenting me with. No, you are all my friends – eh, I guess – but none of you are specifically entitled to know what happens in my relationship. A relationship is between two people, not the two people and the girls’ friends. Thanks for not being understanding. I get maybe you’re concerned that I’ve stopped interacting with you as much but honestly I was hoping you wouldn’t notice; none of you guys even talk to me when I’m there with you at recess or lunch so why should I waste my breath trying to talk when I won’t get acknowledged anyway? No, I haven’t been running off to see him at all during the school day. I’ve been running off to see teachers or do things for myself, like fix my laptop every Monday recess because the DNS settings reset itself for some reason. No, he is not taking me away from you guys. I am choosing to talk to him more because I don’t feel like I am getting the same kinds of things when I talk to you guys. When I talk to you, you don’t really contribute to the conversation or make me think about what I want to say as much as I do when I talk to him. He stimulates my thinking, my learning, my desire for real conversation. We talk about meaningless things, sure, but it’s still conversation. Does that mean anything to you? I don’t know, I’m ranting way too much but I need to get this off my chest. It’s been eating me alive for the past few days.
Also, yes, I get it. Year 12, wow, so much pressure to do well. Maybe that’s why I’m taking a break from sitting you guys or whatever you think it is I’m doing – I need time by myself to really get my thoughts together and fix my goals and whatnot so I know what I’m doing. Yes, that’s the point I want to make. I know what I’m doing. So why are you all so “concerned” for me? Where were you when I was off putting myself into legitimately dangerous situations in May/June with someone none of you knew at all? “Well, as long as you know what you’re doing, then I’m fine with it,” or something like that, someone in the group told me. Are you freakin’ serious? So what about now? When I’m in a comfortable position and know what I’m doing, why are you concerned?
“We never see you anymore.” Hello I am sitting right there and if I’m not there it’s because I’m seeing someone important like a teacher. I don’t always have to sit with you people. Sometimes I just feel better not sitting with you people because honestly I just feel so weighed down and feeling like I don’t belong. Oh yeah, I remember why I wasn’t sitting with you people as much in the first couple of weeks of school – I was avoiding one person in case things got heated. I wanted to avoid arguments. And I guess I did. I wasn’t running off to see anybody like my S.O. I was running away from you guys to protect myself. I think I did a pretty fine job. So I guess since things are shit again, I’m taking my leave. I even wanted to explain to you guys what was going on today at lunch, but I didn’t. I was waiting for you to approach me and ask me what was happening. But no one did. Because you don’t actually care about me, do you? You just want to know what’s going on in my life because you don’t have the same kinds of things. Just go focus on your work or something. Your studies are more important than me. They always have been. You’ve never cared about me before so why are you caring now?
Also I’m getting replaced by my best friend. I love that feeling. I didn’t replace you with my S.O., but you replaced me. Thanks for not taking anyone’s side in the conversation, but thanks for not supporting me and always taking other people’s sides because no one sees it from my perspective. I don’t know why. We always get into conflicts.
One more fucking year, honestly.