349: Post-Assessment Rant

349: Post-Assessment Rant

We are all gonna be fine. We are all gonna be fine. Fuck. I hate saying that. We really are, but at the same time, right now, we’re really not. I fucking hate life. Life was good yesterday, the sun hot. He didn’t want to die. Yes. This is a great segue into Mrs Dalloway. I love those two texts, Mrs Dalloway and The Hours.

I am so full of anger. I’m not worried about my assessments anymore. In the grand scheme of things…fuck. I hate this system. Life was good yesterday. I was in love. I was ok. I was not angry. I think if you have been following this blog for a while, I used to be angry a lot. Then I met someone and I stopped being angry. So what happens when the person who stopped making you angry now makes you angry? Shit happens. I think I’m mentally ill. I listen to this song to release my anger, or amplify it. I never listen to this song when I’m feeling angry or super sad. It’s violent. I know it’s fictional but…it’s basically an audio of an abusive relationship, how it ends badly…and so on. Of course I hope I can never relate, but I just feel the intensity of those emotions. It really gets me.

I don’t want to be angry. I was good yesterday. I was happy. I felt like it was okay to be happy. I knew I wouldn’t be happy for long, but I didn’t think it would end this quickly. SO FUCKING MAD. HOLY CRAP. I MUST SHOUT. I MUST VENT. I knew this was going to be hard. But why now? I cannot part ways. I cannot kill myself. I have a purpose in life. I haven’t fulfilled it yet, but I have a purpose. I can’t do it. I need to stay alive. No, I’m not suicidal. No suicidal ideation. I’m just very mad. So mad. So very fucking mad. This anger needs to go somewhere. I can’t smash anything in my room. Every object has sentimental value to me. People have sentimental value to me. Shit, man, it’s like all the nerves in my body are on fire. I’ve lost friends this year. I’ve lost people. I’ve made new friends, but I’ve lost people. It’s hard when you start to confront the fact that your best friend was never really your best friend. Even after four years of school with her you don’t really know her. Everybody knows you, but you don’t know anybody. That’s fucked up. I hate that. I think I know people but I really don’t. I want to distrust people but I can’t. I’ll take your word for it and I can lie to your face but I don’t want you to lie to me. That’s also fucked up. I guess I deserve the karma.

Why the fuck are you doing this? I’m mad. I’m so mad. What the fuck did I do? I just wanted to be a dentist. I wanted to meet you there. Yeah it’s great I met you now but…man I hate when I don’t get what I want. At heart I’m still a selfish little girl. It’s all about me, me, me. I can’t do it. I just want to fall asleep forever. You can wake me up when the world is no longer this weird and becomes apocalyptic or dystopic. Then all the systems we know will fall and a new system will rise, and that new system won’t work against us. Unless we’re unlucky. That unlucky. I hate that it’s this time of the month. Fuck. I am so angry. Literacy slips away from me when I’m angry. I’m having a moment. I don’t want to argue. I don’t want to lose the one person who’s turned my life around for good. Although I will probably do something to fuck it up so I can fuck myself up. Self-destruction. I’m mentally unstable.

After 3U Maths I wanted to throw up. The nerves. It’s ok. I didn’t really screw up as badly as I thought I did. Maybe. Relative to the cohort. Nah, I fucked up. No worries. Learn. And fuck you again honey. 99.6 is guaranteed I know. Fuckkkkk I don’t want to go to Queensland. I DO NOT WANT TO GO TO QUEENSLAND. It’s nothing personal. It’s just I wanted Adelaide. I’ve wanted Adelaide since Year 10. Before I even met you. Before I knew you existed. Fuck whatever I don’t know I will still apply. Maybe I’ll change my mind. 99.6 guarantee sure but like UMAT gets you better dental schools. Come on, please. Please do your research. I already did mine. Fuck I hate life. Just recover please, and study for your own exams. You don’t need me. We don’t need each other. This is heartbreaking. I won’t stop looping this song until the summer holidays. I need a break. I need a break from me. I JUST NEED A FUCKING BREAK. I AM ABOUT TO CRACK.

 

~ Serendipitous

NOTHING ABOUT THAT POST WAS SERENDIPITOUS, LOL. Happy accidental encounters. Lol. I got really fucked over.

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