353: The Worst (3 Dec)

353: The Worst (3 Dec)

Ok, it has been resolved and I should be asleep but guess who hasn’t done her essays even though it wasn’t supposed to take that long to finish?

I feel terrible. Like absolute shit. The scum of the earth. Lowlife. Uneducated. Silly, willingly ignorant. I dislike this feeling of inadequacy. I hate this. I did so many things wrong. I knew there was something wrong with me but I wasn’t trying hard enough to fix it. I will fix it when exams are no longer a priority. Man, I feel like such shit it deserves some italics. What makes me feel like even more shit is that I’m not crying. I will usually burst into tears while I’m screaming. I guess I’m a big girl now. But shouting through the internet is different from shouting in real life. I will break down in real life. What have I done?

It is resolved but in my heart, it is unresolved. We must move on. I mean, I must move on. Here again, I am holding onto the past. As if I need to. I feel shit for not crying. I should shed a few tears. These tears after the worst are supposed to be cathartic. Like I’m releasing my own bad intentions, sins, evil will. I am going to get over this. I love him. I will never stop loving him. But I fuck up things even if I don’t want to.

Don’t you just love being with a girl who has mental problems?

I don’t want to admit that maybe I am a little insane. Where does my creativity come from? Where do these extreme mood swings come from then? I should stop talking. I have two essays due tomorrow morning and I’m barely half done. Or maybe a bit more than half done.

 

~ Serendipitous

 

Last seen 3.19 am before swamped by Latin essays

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