360: June in December (SOC)
Wow, ok it’s been more or less a week since I last posted and I never seem to do poems anymore which is sad but I will get around to it after I get these thoughts out of my head.
Yesterday was good. I would’ve said great had I not remembered the shitty hour before I went to bed. It was raining. It was cold. It was like June in December and I loved that I could turn to my winter apparel before an afternoon out. And I’m not supposed to be writing my thoughts down because half an hour ago I was supposed to have started finishing my essay scaffold for Module A, but who cares…this is important to me right now.
I think of people in my life all the time. Not because I’m comparing myself to them, but because of their own lives. How are they doing, what are they doing, are they okay, and so on and so forth. I care, but so minimally if I realise that they don’t care about me. I don’t know where I was going with this. The celebration of life in the face of death. The nature of human existence, uncontrollable, unpredictable, completely not mundane? Who knows. The irrelevancy of all these disjointed, disconnected ideas, they’re just in my thoughts. I’m too depressed to sort them out coherently. Last week, my physics teacher told me that I had a logical way of presenting my ideas, that they flowed well. Are you good at English? Are you good at writing essays? Sure, sir…I guess so. Even after people telling me that I am good, I still doubt my own abilities. I am my own obstacle. I have such big dreams but the little girl in me will always want to be a little girl and will do anything to keep it the same but time is moving on without me and I am trying to move with it but the little girl is so stubborn and lately it’s been hard to fight her because she’s emerging so much lately and being petulant and I don’t want her to keep emerging and fighting my significant other just because she wants everything to be the way it was before 2010 and I can’t and I’m sorry I just get so irrationally angry for no reason, irrelevantly, usually, and it is my fault and I will fix it and I am sorry for being a bad person I really am trying my best even though I have so much shit going on and I love you and I really want this to work for us because you are the only good thing in my life when pretty much everybody else let me down but you haven’t and you’re still here but the idea of you leaving me when everything gets too much to handle is too much for me to handle and I can’t believe it’s finally happening, that I am being self-destructive and taking you with me and I don’t want that anymore that was just a romantic idealisation as are most things on this blog and I love you and you can’t leave me and I know other people will think that this means I’m trapping us in this relationship but I lost my sense of self-independence a long time ago and I just want to make sure everything is okay. I think it sucks when I realise that the very thing holding me together is falling apart because now I remember what happens last night and it’s the first thing among the things in my mind, it’s the first thing that comes to my mind in the midst of all the steamy and unlikely dreams that I have and I hate it. Why are we doing this to each other? I am so sorry. It pains me to write this, but I have to. This needs to go somewhere. I’m sorry. I don’t know if I can get 99.6. Maybe I can but where’s that meme that would’ve been shared in the HSC Discussion Group, I don’t think it exists but if a meme existed, it would have said, “Plug in your first assessment marks into the ATAR calculator. How screwed are you?” and yeah I would have been incredibly screwed over and that’s okay because they…I don’t want to jinx it.
We argue. We make up before we go to bed. I haven’t seen you in nearly a month now. What was it like to touch you, hold you, kiss you, be intimate with you? I remember, but I don’t want things to be different. I want it to be all the more passionate. I miss you. So dearly. Seeing your smiling face on my screen is wonderful but I want to be sitting in your lap talking about Nietzsche and the nature of human existence, because you are my muse and that is so rare, having a male significant other who is the muse rather than the woman but who cares, you are my muse. You motivate my writing so much. You are the inspiration behind all the romantic ideals and pretty much everything on this blog beyond 295. Mostly everything, I guess. I never intended for you to be my muse, it just happened.
Yesterday, about what I said, I would see you everyday if I could. I want to see you everyday. But then I think about it and I know the both of us would get sick of the other not before long. I think about all the work we have to do and the steps we have to take to get where we want and it’s so hard and I love you and I really want us to be together forever because you’re the only one for me and I simply cannot bear the thought of losing the one so early on in my life. Live hard and fast, and not die young. Motivation is a funny thing, but we don’t have to be a funny thing. I don’t even know how I’m going to approach you today. Maybe I’ll just forget it because I’m pretty busy. I’ll wait for you to say something. Yes, the issue is resolved but it will probably arise in the future and I hate that you’re scared of me because I’m so unstable and I told you I had issues and yes maybe you listened and yes now it’s taking its toll on you and I’m sorry I warned you and I don’t know if it would have been worse if I kept it to myself but I think you would have been happier if I put on this grand show for you. Previewing tickets, premiere tickets, the tickets to the aftershow, just for you. Because I love you so fucking much and it’s killing us both.