371: Late Night Misery
She lies in her bed with half a blanket tossed carelessly over her middle, her right arm resting on her comforter by her torso, her half closed eyes pooling with tears as she watches the flashing lights dance across the ceiling in time to the undulating beats of her music. The girl who found it so easy to love others, but so hard to love herself, she sobs quietly to sleep. She cannot bring herself to love her body, let alone her personality.
Without seeing, she can see the multiple preventable scars. Not from falling – she had more of a sense of coordination than most girls her age. Scars criss-crossing the cleverly concealed parts of her body, a reflective artwork of her life journey. She was afraid of them. He had already told her that he loved her even despite the scars, but the girl was afraid, so afraid. She will turn eighteen in around five months, soon only four and a half months. For some reason she is not ready to give up her pretty naivety. She was ready to abandon her young self, but now she cannot let go of the past. She was ready to be an adult, but all she wanted was to be that little girl. Didn’t the clock stop for her when she was sixteen? Perhaps it had been reset.
She knew he was hurt, hurt by the fact that despite his numerous reassurances that she was beautiful and that she should not be insecure about herself, her tears accumulated in her eyes. Of course, he could not see them. They were more than twenty kilometres apart, yet even through a computer screen he could read her as if they were face to face. She frequently marvelled at the power of true love. She knew this was no simple puppy love anymore, and perhaps that was what terrified her. She’d lost count of the true number of loves and crushes she had, but for him she was his first and his last, his only.
But she was afraid. Afraid of herself, her body, her inability to love her body, their future together, their lives together. Marrying the love of your life doesn’t mean you marry them, you marry their family and their family issues too. But what would a young girl know anything about that, she just knew that she loved this boy and loved only him.