390: Don’t Overthink It

390: Don’t Overthink It

I have come as a messenger, as the voice of reason, once again, to allay your concerns, your fears, the churning in your stomach that only comes when you’re nervous. I can feel them, too, you know, and I would like to put you at ease.

Please, don’t overthink it. A little distance never hurt anybody…but even I feel unconvinced in saying that. I know you haven’t felt this nervous in a long while. You weren’t even this nervous for sob high school presentations. You’ve done your part, now you need to do the hard work to reassure him…everything is going to be fine. Silence is normal…

Well, I am doing a shit job as the voice of reason if I don’t even believe the shit I’m saying. Well, fuck. There’s nothing I can do. We aren’t shot to shit. At least we’re just nervous, and not having a complete breakdown, right? It’s fine. But you should stop walking on eggshells. Are you a nagger? I wouldn’t say so. Not really…okay, you feel like one, but you’re really probably not.

God, even now I am overthinking this. Just do your stuff and go to bed early…

 

~ Serendipitous

 

387: Life

387: Life 

Broken lovers. Assessment schedules. Tempestuous winds. Batshit insane weather. After a long day of school and tutoring a girl will look up at the sky, and beyond the train station platform she will see the last of the sun’s rays bleeding their pale orange honey across the sky, seeping into the dispersed clouds and breaking out brilliantly from behind their linings, and the girl will wonder, marvel at life’s continuity, seeming endlessness, despite feeling trapped in a vicious cycle of failure.

 

~ Serendipitous

Reached my month’s post quota. If I’m feeling romantic, would probably post some more. Less than 2 weeks until half yearlies, and 63 days until 18th birthday ^_^

 

386: Sparkling Water

386: Sparkling Water 

While walking home from school once, I composed a mental toast to some people in my life. Of course, I did not write it down and I probably have forgotten most of it, but I will definitely refine it. It would be something I would have said to the graduating class of 2017 if they let nonentities like me speak at a graduation ceremony.

So, a toast to the people in my life whom I have made a note of, because at some point you made an impact on me and it has shaped my current identity today to some degree.

To my honey, thank you for being here and there and everywhere for me, always a message away, always a phone call away (even though I don’t think I’ve ever called you, and that one time you phoned me, I missed your call), always near even if we are far apart. You gave me motivation to live, to pursue my dreams even though I said I would give them up for you if it meant being with you for the rest of our lives, because I just know. I just know. We both just know. 🙂 But thank you for making me pursue my dreams, for motivating me to get through school, to get through life with you. I wouldn’t imagine doing it with anyone else. So, here’s to facing future challenges together, celebrating momentous occasions with one another, sharing exciting milestones that only couples truly in love get to share.

To the few friends I have kept over high school, thank you for listening to me speak and accepting me for who I am even though I change my mind every now and then and make a false claim or lie or whatever. You’ve stuck by me even though I’m a horrible person to stick by, so thank you for that. Thank you for letting me share doggo memes, staying up late at night to talk, or write essays together, or anything that has stuck in my memory but I’ve forgotten for now. Thank you. Here’s to everlasting friendships, and more memes. Sorry that this toast to you is a bit shorter than the one to my honey. I hope you understand that times have changed and that we will still remain friends, and I hope you can find your other half too.

To the friends who changed their minds about me, thank you. I know who you are and I know you haven’t really been there for me even though I tried to be there for you, but the imminence of graduation has made me aware of my real friends. I understand that you may be annoyed at me for changing my mind, for changing my values, for changing, really. I was not the same person you became friends with in seventh grade, eighth grade, tenth grade, eleventh grade. Everyone changes and the times change, and I suppose we have to adapt. I feel slightly subdued when I wave to you in the corridor or smile and say hello but you hesitate to do the same for me. Or ignore me completely. Or give me that side eye and flit your eyes from me in a split second, turn your head, thinking that I would think that you didn’t see me, but I know you did, and even though it doesn’t hurt me that you are wilfully ignoring me, it does tell me that you weren’t here for me from the beginning and that I was right all along. At the end of the day I don’t give anybody my 100% trust and I will tell you things that you think I shouldn’t tell you, but there are so many more things that you didn’t know, so whatever. Goodbye, I guess. You were here at some point, and now we are all graduating, and I don’t think we’ll be seeing each other again. Different paths, different career choices, different lives. We’ll still be friends on Facebook, but isn’t it just that, friends on Facebook, never messaging one another, just watching as we go online, like a post, tag another friend that you became close to because we never bothered to make the effort to forge a real friendship. Here’s to you, for not changing me as a person, but alerting me to the fact that people like you do exist, for better or for worse.

To my mentors and teachers, thank you. The immense support you have given me throughout these years have been invaluable to my learning and development. For a girl who finds it hard to confess to her parents the terrible personal crimes she’s committed but easy to tell other trusted adults, to sugarcoat the crimes on a blog she runs occasionally…(the sentence is too long), she feels gratitude towards those who have allowed her to spew the contents of her soul and not judged her. So thank you for that.

I think I should end the toast there. I would have made another to my parents. But the post is getting long. I love you though ❤

 

~ Serendipitous

385: Big Girls Don’t Cry

385: Big Girls Don’t Cry

Maybe the only reason I still post is that I’m sad. I feel like my heart is going to burst out of my chest, that a vein will pop and blood will spurt, that my heart might just crack in two in the process. Yet you know, keep your chin up, stiffen that upper lip…

Big girls don’t cry.

 

~ Serendipitous

384: Masking the Pain

384: Masking the Pain 

You’re not allowed to be unhappy when listening to this. Even though it sounds happy, it has slight undertones of sadness. I generally listen to this when I’m in pain but the pain gets a bit much to handle. Or I just listen to it for the undercurrent of sadness that really gets me. You could put this song on and maybe if you listen hard enough, you’ll hear the wail of a little girl between the beats. You won’t hear that little girl crying if you’re not feeling under the weather though.

Alternatively, I loop it in the hopes that I’ll be okay, that honey does love me and does want to kiss me, and so on. Self-reassurance.

 

~ Serendipitous

383: Enigma

383: Enigma

He wakes up in a cold sweat, naked, hard, confused. He sees that girl in his dreams again, the curious enigma he is intrigued by. Still half-asleep, half-dreaming of teenage sex and young love, he scampers down the stairs in a misty, wondrous haze.

That new girl, ever since she had come here, had been an enigma to him. Her cold front, her cool demeanour, her smiles and laughs that seemed real…but he knew that there was a fine line between genuineness and deception with this girl. He’d never seen someone’s expressions travel the spectrum with such incredible speed. He wondered if he, or anyone else for that matter, would be able to discern her true feelings. That girl, she had done so many things to her hair that it was hard to picture her with her natural black hair colour. He’d known because he had searched her up on Google, perusing her various online profiles. It occurred to him suddenly that he neither liked or disliked her unlike many boys their age; rather, that he was, and still is, curious about her.

So it didn’t occur to him that within the next four weeks, he’d find himself in an abandoned park at night with the girl in his lap, his first kiss of many, her last kiss of few. It didn’t occur to him that he had been an enigma to her, that she wanted him in more ways than one, that they truly complemented each other as a pair of soulmates would. That even though she was quiet and shy and sometimes fake, she was a voracious kisser, hungry for more, never satiable. He didn’t want to get tired of kissing this enigmatic girl.

He was simply afraid that she would no longer be an enigma to him.

 

~ Serendipitous

My favourite novel of all time is Francoise Sagan’s Bonjour Tristesse. I think that says a lot about me as a person.

79 days until I’m 18.