401: My Cute Blob

401: My Cute Blob 

I sit in my room, door closed, listening to upbeat Korean rap. I think of you, watching the minutes pass by me slowly. I wonder what you’re doing. I wonder how you felt seeing me today. We haven’t seen each other in a while. I miss you. I think of you. My subconscious and conscious mind are in tune with each other now because I think of you so much.

Every minute that passes is a minute that scares me. I love you, and it scares me how much I do, how much I’m willing to give up for you. Each minute that passes is a minute closer to our futures, our dreams, our lives together or lives apart. To be honest, I’m afraid. For the next seven months, the most important seven months our lives for now, what are we going to do? I’m afraid for us. I probably have no reason to be afraid.

To put it simply, there is only one thing I want to do with you, and I have to wait seven months. Actually, there are several things, but we already went through this. I’m scared of waiting, turning this into a waiting game. I’m scared of losing you before the seven months arrive. I’m scared, so scared. Time flies faster than I’d like it to.

Five minutes passed since I started this post, wondering how the hell I’m going to get through Year 12. I have no idea how I’m going to do it, but I’m going to try, and I hope you do, too. Where are we now? In a few years’ time, I’d like to look back, and reminisce fondly of the times we were madly in love with each other, to recall your smile and your laugh, to remember the feeling of your kisses.

 

~ Serendipitous

HONEY I MISS YOU

WO XIANG NI

WO AI NI

Sorry I couldn’t do pinyin, I also can’t read characters or write. Sad life.

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400: Sylvie

400: Sylvie

Sylvie was asked by her boyfriend of two years to wait for him by the crooked streetlight at the end of the road. He said he’d come pick her up sometime past midnight, that they could run away together and get married so they could build their own lives together rather than under the oppression of society and their families. She agreed and arrived at the streetlight a quarter to midnight.

Holding her briefcase of precious possessions, she couldn’t stop smiling as she thought of the new life they would have together. A small part of her felt a pang of nostalgia mixed with regret and longing as she mulled over the fact that she would be leaving her parents, her younger sister, her governesses and tutors, the nanny who doubled up as a housekeeper…people who had played a significant role in raising her from that tiny tot she had been eighteen years ago. People who had brought her up under a range of disciplines, from strict and unsympathetic to embracing and loving. That was partially the reason for her wild streak and her adeptness. He was in love with her because she was not simple, had ambitions and wanted a life outside the middle class. Of course, running away meant that they would be broke and poor, no longer middle class, but they had convinced themselves that their true happiness lay in each other.

Her timepiece told her now that it was half past midnight. What did sometime past midnight mean? Was he late? Did he get held up by his parents? Sylvie was overcome with worry. She had put down the briefcase and sat on it, making sure her skirt did not make contact with the ground. Where was he? A lump rose in her throat, a lump of nervousness and shame. She placed both of her hands across her stomach. A life within a life. She was worried for the little thing growing inside her as well. What if he never came?

The streetlight flickered overhead as the oil lamp in the glass casing began to burn out slowly. They were supposed to run away together, but his absence made her heart rise and fall in time with her racing thoughts. The baby! She had always wanted to be a mother, but only with him by her side as well. Shame flitted into her thoughts again. The people back at home did not raise her to be like this but even so…

Sylvie missed him. She wanted him to be there with her, but he wasn’t. She didn’t bother looking at her timepiece anymore. Maybe he wasn’t coming. Men, no, boys of eighteen going on nineteen years never kept their promises. This was one of the easiest ways for him to leave her – to make a false promise and then never turn up. Sylvie clutched at her stomach again as the streetlight finally went out, enveloping her in darkness.

Boys who don’t keep their promises will always break the hearts of their girls.

 

~ Serendipitous

Gah I had a better story planned out but this will have to do

I can’t even use it as a discovery creative damn it!

399: Yesterday Once More

399: Yesterday Once More

I cried like a fucking baby. I thought this was a tragicomedy to start out with, but it was actually just tragic at the end. Though I shouldn’t spoil.

This film is about a girl who comes first in the class and she’s class monitor as well and there’s this dropkick in her class she looks down upon, but then for one of the big tests she cheats and he covers for her. Cue the rest of the story.

The group chat was lit and then this film got suddenly linked by one of my good friends. Well, I needed a break of some sort after half yearly exam block, so I’m sacrificing sleep and living my dreams, watching movies.

To be honest, this movie pushes so many Asian stereotypes, which made me feel uncomfortable but it was sort of relatable. I mean of course, I have suffered my own form of tiger mum syndrome, but that’s such a small part of the film that it becomes overlooked once you look back on the film as a whole.

God you have to see it for yourself. It’s the same thing with Suddenly Seventeen. It’s something you should watch if you’re about to graduate high school or suffer an existential crisis.

Honey, I miss you! And I love you! And this film is another sign telling me that if I study hard enough and make my dreams come true, then we can be happy together, too. Maybe that’s just my seventeen year old self being idealistic and hopelessly romantic again.

I CRIED LIKE A BABY. NOTHING SET ME OFF AS MUCH AS THE ENDING SCENES DID.

 

~ Serendipitous

NB: From top to bottom, Vietnamese subs, Chinese Mandarin subs, English subs. Whatever works for you. When I wasn’t watching the film I would listen out for the actual language (I was lowkey multitasking) but when I was watching I looked at the English subs. I’m a fake Chinese Mandarin girl, I’m ABC but I will invest time after HSC to read, write and speak like a true native LOL

398: Suddenly Seventeen

398: Suddenly Seventeen

My friend in English was not exactly paying attention in class. Actually, neither was I, for my eyes were focused on her screen. She was watching this Chinese film, but she was watching it for the pretty red dress the lead female wore. The sweetheart neckline was amazing; the colour was so vibrant and popped on-screen.

So I came home, slept, and wasted spent a large part of my evening viewing the film Suddenly Seventeen (there is a copy on YouTube, I will link it after my signature). I thought of my honey the whole time I was watching this and I felt just as devastated as Liang when her boyfriend of ten years broke up with her over a phone call as she was chasing him by car. I shiver thinking about it.

Ok, so Liang (lead female) is twenty-eight years old, living a good life with a perfect, handsome boyfriend and a really awesome best friend. It’s been ten years and she thought he was going to propose, but he was so pre-occupied with work that he had basically neglected her and a few scenes later he suggests they break up in a soft but firm voice (it makes my blood boil).

But I shouldn’t spoil the whole thing. Basically there are some magic chocolates that psychologically reverts her back to seventeen years old and she lives as a seventeen year old for five hours every time she ingests one of these chocolates. You should probably watch it when you get time (1 hour 38 minutes viewing time). It really puts into perspective the existential crisis you’re bound to go through, and encourages you to make better decisions when you’re younger so that the future you is happier.

I would have cried if I hadn’t spent all my tears on my honey and my future already. Of course we all make terrible decisions when we are young. I made too many mistakes before I was sixteen and some of them come back to haunt me sometimes. I just don’t want to wake up when I’m twenty-eight and realise my life is shit.

Honey, I’m sorry and I promised I wouldn’t think past November this year. But the film taught me a great deal, and I thought of a few things in the distant future, your life, my life, things I won’t talk about with you until much later. If there’s one thing I’ve learned from watching romantic films and dramas after I met you, it’s that communication is key, and not to believe everything that one sees in fiction. I accept that we are both humans who constantly change, and the person you were last week isn’t exactly the same person I spoke to last night, and that’s okay with me. Just as you once said to me, as long as the person I will change into isn’t outlandish, you will still continue to love me. That goes for you too. I will still continue to love you even if you aren’t the same person who shared a blissful two months of pure honeymoon happiness with me before the haze cleared.

 

~ Serendipitous

There are English subtitles if you don’t speak Mandarin!! There are also Chinese subs on top of the English 😀 Even though the title of the video is 17 Again – Chinese Edition, it really is called Suddenly Seventeen. Just a side note.

397: To My Honey

397: To My Honey 

Hello. I like the draft of your essay. I wish you all the best for your essay, which you will probably end up acing anyhow.

Hmm. Thanks for being a realist, but sometimes I just need to believe that something will happen and everything will fall into place soon. You are very supportive of me and I am grateful for that. So thank you for sticking with me even though I say stupid things.

I feel depressed. It’s not because of you. I am just feeling depressed because of everything that’s happened and I haven’t had a chance to tell you because you’ve been busy with English, so I thought I might articulate some of my feelings in the meantime somewhere else so that you might read them later and we can talk about it when you’re not busy, because I am afraid of disturbing your alone time.

Alone time, the very thing I’m finding I want more of to collect my thoughts together and realise my life, my dreams, my potential. To just be alone where no one except I can hurt myself. I, my best friend and my greatest enemy, just alone. I am tired. I will probably stop sleeping enough until the next exam block rolls around.

I love you. I don’t think I mentioned it today. But I love you. ❤

 

~ Serendipitous

396: Stormy

396: Stormy 

Be still my beating heart for I have stumbled and fallen into a ravine. It will take me a miracle to escape to better times but I have to push on and take out the thorns and look for other ways to get out of this hellhole.

Be still my beating heart for I have been burned, scorched, tossed, stomped on. Yet I’m still expected to end up doing well or end up in a lowly place wasting away what little potential I had to begin with in life.

Be still my beating heart for I did not die today, and almost, almost wish I had. The only thing that prevents me is the irreversible nature of death and how I wouldn’t get to find out if I actually did make my dream course.

(To come back to this space and edit if I did get in).

 

~ Serendipitous

395: If I Died Tomorrow

395: If I Died Tomorrow 

Then I wouldn’t have to do my related task. But there are more things I wouldn’t be able to do. I wouldn’t have to do my HSC or UMAT, but I’d never be able to get in my dream course. I’d never reach my weight goal. I’d never get to kiss my honey again. I’d never get to tell him again how much I love him. I’d never get a chance to hug my parents and sister and tell them how much I love them. I’d never get to spend another day with my honey; in fact I’d never get to spend my life with him, even though I would have given him a little infinity within our reality. I’d never get to write another post on this blog.

So I guess I wouldn’t be able to do a lot of things if I died tomorrow. The likelihood of getting into a car accident on any ordinary day is higher than winning the lottery. See, that’s funny, everyone thinks they’ve got the winning ticket, but no one thinks that it’s they who’ll be involved in a car accident.

God, that’s scary. But honestly, I’m just having a moment. I am afraid that I can’t attain my dreams, and that seems like a very real possibility. If I can’t make it…it’s too hard to think about. When you have a dream for ten years and the most vigorous passion in the world for that field can only go so far when it doesn’t have the test scores to match it, well.

So if I died tomorrow…I would die knowing I wouldn’t get to experience all the good things that will come after the HSC is over. I would die knowing I’ll never be able to give my honey the happiness he deserved from me. I would die knowing I wasn’t ready to die.

But seriously, when are we ever ready to die? I can’t answer that right now.

 

~ Serendipitous

Discovered Beenzino when I clicked on Youtube mixed playlist for Zico’s mixtape Heart is hurt and I was so overjoyed inside. I love discovering Korean hip hop artists that have a really neat beat and voice. Often, though, I tend to resist that desire for discovery because Zico is so good that I have tunnel vision for him sometimes. Beenzino!! 🙂