409: Intoxicated

409: Intoxicated

I think I am drunk, but I’m not sure. Maybe a light buzz. While I was taking sips I was feeling these warm tingling feelings in my ears, in the soles of my feet, blossoming warmth in my chest, my throat on kind of embers. I had a big glass of wine. My sister said it was two standard drinks.

I took a shower afterwards and I think it’s worn off. My family is mostly made up of people with high alcohol tolerance. So I think I kind of have high alcohol tolerance but after calling my honey maybe not and my fingers are shaking typing this. Maybe it’s because it’s freezing and I don’t have enough clothes on.

Honey was laughing when I was drunk off my ass. I could hear him laughing but I just couldn’t do anything but spill out all my thoughts and yes I remember everything I said I told him how I feel about him and everything that happened in my day in full detail and I love him but he probably doesn’t love me as much as I love him but I’ll fix that I know I can hahahaha I am a drunk fool for believing that

I am so fragile. I just turned eighteen. Hello adult world. This is going to be tough to navigate. Please don’t give me a hangover. I got school tomorrow, full day and two periods of maths. And I am not even seeing my honey. He’s got that science project he’s got to finish. Call me back honey I love you! I’m not even that drunk anymore. My heart is just pounding some furious, but that’s about it.

White wine. I tried white wine. Tastes weird and disgusting but the feelings it gives me, man…give me more of that. I’d drink the whole 4.5L carton if I were depressed.

 

~ Serendipitous

Tl;dr good birthday. No one sang happy birthday to me but I don’t care. Most of my friends didn’t even say happy birthday to me until way after school. Whatever. My honey said it first. Well technically, Angela said it first, but she was 6 days early. So my honey said it first. I love my honey! Love me too. Love it. Eighteen is going to be a bittersweet ride. No more alcohol until after HSC, I guess. Eeek.

Ohhh yeah and who’s that fucker who keeps commenting on my posts (you can’t see them because I didn’t approve them).

poiuytrewq000 – you fucker come out I don’t know who the fuck you are but show yourself. I tracked your IP address and apparently you’re in Chifley, wherever that is. But IP trackers are terribly inaccurate. What’s with the throwaway email address savonna77@c7fk99.com ? Who are you?!?!?! What do you want from me?! There are only two guys I’ve ever kissed. And it isn’t either of them. Own the fuck up. Norman? I don’t even know. How can I leave someone and how can I think of you if I don’t know who you even are??? Confused.

Yeah I should sign off. Eighteen is lit. So is alcohol. Don’t drink too much. Good grades are important. I still want to get into dental school.

11.33 pm April 27 2017

Yeah what the fuck April 27 is really mundane. No one really has this birthday and no one really remembers what happens except for me because it’s my birthday and it was just a normal day of school and everyone went about their business and you know what the only good thing was, coming home to a cake my dad slaved over and alcohol and my family gathering and my honey calling me and laughing when I was drunk. People are fun. You’re fun. I love people. But in all honesty I was just glad there wasn’t a lot of attention on me. All good. I should stop drunk ranting.

Oh man what’s that Hemingway thing, write drunk, edit sober. Fuck yeah. I should do that. I fucking love Hemingway. I love literature. Honey let’s read together. Come into my world, and my crib. I’ll show you everything. I’ll open you up to life. Fuck yeah. Ok I should sign out for realll

 

408: Last Day of Seventeen

408: Last Day of Seventeen

And school started!!! Gross…although today was a good day, and by that I mean there was an absence of bad things in my day, so it was a good day. Yay!

Tomorrow I am going to try red wine for the first time in my life as an eighteen year old and it will be an interesting experience. I think I have high alcohol tolerance because most of my family does, but maybe I will turn out to be a lightweight, LOL! The state of inebriation will be unknown territory for me until I find out soon enough.

Also today we got our HSC timetable. Which was exactly the same as the draft timetable that was leaked last week. I can’t wait for November 3rd to be over!! And then I’ll be free for another four months, minus dental school interviews if they come ^^” and then I’ll finally do some formal dress hunting, ah Year 10 mems…but yeah woohoo!!! Keeeeeeen

This morning I had a dream about my honey, and I don’t really remember most of it (I did remember after I woke up but silly me decided to write it down later but now I’ve forgotten), but we were running together in an abandoned subway and he showed me something and then I woke up. Boring dream, I know, but I have more exciting ones. There was one where I had this massive saga play out in my dream, something to do with traversing planes of existence, time travelling and all that, maybe I’ll write a post when I get time on the weekend because I have so many things to do tonight and I just wanted to get this post up before I get swamped again and I really wanted to keep posting on my blog just to show my future self that yes I am surviving Year 12 and I am surviving rocky terrain in my life and yes I can still keep doing it until I become my future self! Also note to future self, I am sorry for screwing up my sleeping patterns, and half of my life. I am really sorry. 🙂 Don’t screw up for future future self either 😀

Honey I have a meme for you! But I didn’t want to spam the chat! But here’s a meme

da meme

Not-essays are only written sparingly and with cute and deep messages for you ❤

Alright that’s my day over and I’ll have to go back to studying. I am sad about having to go to Chem tutoring tomorrow after school, but there simply isn’t a better time than tomorrow and I really want to use the weekend to do the work I was SUPPOSED TO DO in the holidays :’D sucks to be me.

I went bowling and the arcade on Monday with guess who! Hehe 😛 I should write a post about that later. My first time being at an arcade and my first time bowling with a special someone alone. Hehe

I think I won’t miss being seventeen as much I missed being sixteen. Being seventeen was fun and had its moments, but I also experienced some really low times which I would like to leave behind me and forget as I turn eighteen and stay eighteen for another three hundred and sixty five days yay hahahahaha I won’t miss being eighteen either, next assessment block and trials and actual HSC will probably cause me so much unnecessary emotional toil. And then university, probably, too. I would totally tag this as a stream of consciousness except there’s nothing creative about anything I just said.

Peace.

 

~ Serendipitous

407: Carousel

407: Carousel

I would be lying if I said that I didn’t feel like life was just one big carousel, going around and around on a wooden horse and feeling alive, but also feeling dead at times.

Today I want to go on the carousel. The music, the lights, the painted horses. With my honey. His smile, his laugh, his whistles make the carousel just a little more enjoyable. I fear that the carousel will accidentally malfunction and shut off or throw me, blindside me, but the thought of him there to rescue me, to rescue ourselves, is all I need to keep riding on the carousel.

 

~ Serendipitous

Fucking 6 days left until school starts fuuuuck

406: Like I’m Falling in Love, All Over Again

406: Like I’m Falling in Love, All Over Again

Hmmm, today I feel like I’m on top of the world. This feeling has carried on from yesterday. I feel a sense of purpose, and I feel renewed. It’s like the first time I fell in love with him in August last year. Oh man, what a feeling.

I don’t know how long this feeling will last for, but it feels so wonderful and plasters a big smile on my face. I love him so much, it makes me feel warm inside. And I don’t have a lot to say, but I got a lot of love for my honey. Teehee ❤

 

~ Serendipitous

17 days until I’m 18!

405: Helplessness

405: Helplessness

There is this lake that I know of. That we know of, actually. Sometimes I visit it alone, sometimes he visits it alone, but over the last few days I’ve accompanied him when he pays a visit. I take a lot of walks, but sometimes I stumble upon the lake when I least expect it. Not today, though. We come to the lake together and I beg him not to go too deep because the last time I did alone, I almost drowned. He barely registers my words as he dives in, still clothed. I don’t have time to strip or hesitate, so I dive into the water, too, and it’s damn cold but so is he, and I feel like today I might lose him forever. I told you I’d love you like I’m going to lose you, but today that’s what it is, that I still love you so ardently but you always want to find out what is at the bottom of the lake, even if it is at the cost of your life.

Honey, you swim so fast that I can barely keep up. My vision was blurry to begin with, but the gap between us widens and soon you are nothing but a blur in what seems to be a far off distance. I know you’re still going down to the bottom, but why? I came with you in the hopes of convincing you that you didn’t need to swim all the way down, that there is nothing down there except death and the bones of those who sought the bottom but received eternal sleep instead. You escape my vision and my swimming speed slows and slows until I feel like the water is overflowing my lungs and the bubbles are filling my sight instead. I grab at my throat begging for the air that will never come. I beg for us. I’m not ready to die. We still had so many days left together.

I don’t want my last memory to be of you abandoning me so you could wallow in your pit of sadness. I feel so helpless, knowing I can’t reach out to you and help you, because you refuse my help, because you don’t know how to fix it, but I’m trying, and you won’t let me.

Honey. You’re not the only one suffering in the lake. We’re both running out of oxygen.

 

~ Serendipitous

Please. Let me help you.

403: Hallucinogens

403: Hallucinogens

The first time I listened to this was in the full album which is on YouTube. I was in Maths class. It was a working period.

Truly hypnotic. I’ve never taken heavy or illicit drugs, but every time I listened to this song, I was in some kind of bliss, some kind of high that you probably get from drugs as well. The imagination spirals out of control, the conscious mind takes itself on limitless adventures. Well, as much as four minutes lets you, I guess.

If I ever space out, it’s because of this song.

 

~ Serendipitous