416: Heize

416: Heize

I discovered this wonderful Korean rapper Heize through a Youtube mix playlist of Keith Ape’s It G Ma which is one of Alex’s favourite “leet” songs, so I decided to give this genre a try although I usually like listening only to Beenzino or Zico. I can’t listen to Beenzino for a while because of the sentiment I’ve attached to the songs from before, way back when, so yeah…

She’s so lovely and pretty! She has good songs too. I’ve been playing her songs non-stop on Spotify. I wish I could go to her concert event on July 1, but who’s preparing for trials then 😦

Hahaha

 

~ Serendipitous

And July is my favourite song right now.

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415: Gah

415: Gah

The mornings are still hard. But I’m working hard for myself. I’m going to grow again and love life, love myself better. Sad that I have exam block but it’s okay. I miss the old days but it’s for the best that it’s gone.

There are a lot of things to do. And people to see. I’m feeling that social vibe again. Reaching out to old friends and whatnot.

You don’t browse the blog anymore but that’s because it’s privated and so there is no point in coming back to check.

It’ll be unprivated after trials. And I’ll unblock you, too. I think I’d want to take a shot at being friends in August.

 

~ Serendipitous

At what age do you stop feeling young? I feel like I am wasting my youth.

414: Let’s Be Friends

414: Let’s Be Friends

The days that pass suck a little less. It still sucks when I wake up in the morning and the first thing on my mind is him. I’ve browsed subreddits like /r/relationships and /r/relationships_advice for so long towards the end and even after the relationship was gone. After seeing all my friends who were in loving relationships now broken up, I am starting to lose my faith in this thing called love. I’ve never had a good relationship with the concept either.

I think I’m healing, quite slowly, though. I am thinking of reaching out and being friends again, but I’m not sure when. August? October? I have a feeling August is the right window, but I don’t know. I miss him. I don’t think I want him back, but I can’t kid myself. Sometimes I do want him back, but that means all the sadness and confusion will follow us again, and other times I know it’s for the best. It’s all so confusing to me. I’m even wondering what I should say. Hey, how are things with you? I miss you. Ah, no I can’t say that. Let’s catch up, it’s been a while? Who knows. I can’t stop thinking about it. I shouldn’t get in contact just to rekindle old feelings because I know he’s not interested in me anymore. I’m too scared to check his Steam activity. Because I know he’s still playing and life is going on without me. Life will get better, even if it’s possibly without me, he said.

I’m confused and sometimes there is no clear answer. I miss him. I skipped days of school suffering one of the greatest heartbreaks in my life. The last time I saw him was April 24, our birthday date. And then, never again. And then, I will see him on Thursday of Week 7 for senior dodgeball challenge. I don’t know what to think. Will I heal by then? Probably not.

This no contact thing is for our own good. I don’t want to forget you completely so maybe I will try to be friends again, because I do enjoy doing activities with you. Even if the romance is dead. This sounds like I’m trying to get him back, kind of, which is stupid. Sigh.

Exam block next week…yay…

 

~ Serendipitous

I have not known a full winter with him, nor a full winter without him.

413: Private

413: Private

So I can’t remember when exactly but sometime a few days ago I made this blog private. I couldn’t stand the thought of deleting a part of my soul, so I have gone private. I may make it public again, sometime one day, just not right now. Maybe in November, but I know he will probably check every day just to see when it’s not private or maybe he will stop holding onto the memory of me.

Our lives are so different. We lead parallel lives. If we had not met that night, we would’ve continued our lives no more different than we had before August. I ache inside. I’ve been depressed, skipped a few days of school, didn’t study nearly as much as I wanted. I miss him, but I am reminded of all the little bad things he did to me. No matter how I present the situation to various friends, they all say the same thing about him. He was good to me in the beginning but then the relationship turned sour. Alex said it’s my fault for letting it drag out for so long. I partially agree. I was holding onto something that was already dying, and I was only prolonging its death.

I can’t forgive myself, or him. I know I said I forgave him, but I think about all the little moments we had together and I get so angry thinking about it. How could he do this to me?! And I yell this inside, and every morning I wake up, the first thing on my mind is him and I get angry, sad, depressed all over again. A vicious cycle in itself. I miss him, and sometimes I want him back, and sometimes I don’t. That I made the right decision to let go. I loved him and it wasn’t enough. He didn’t love me. How can you keep loving someone who doesn’t love you anymore? It’s hard. I know I deserve someone better, but we accept the love we think we deserve, and he didn’t accept what I gave him. I accepted what he gave me eventually, but obviously it was all shot to shit.

I don’t think I can contact him ever again. I feel like this now, but maybe life has its way of crossing our paths, and I don’t think I’m ready for that. I don’t want to see him ever again. If I don’t, it’ll be like he never existed to me. And I think I’ll be fine with that. Not seeing him again for a long time. The last time I saw him was on my birthday date. How different life is now for us. Angela said he seemed sad during Chemistry tutoring yesterday on the Sunday. I don’t know.

My love for him fades, infinitesimally, day by day. I will still wake up feeling shitty and horrible, but Alex’s words will always follow that feeling, and it will subside. And it will get better.

My second breakup, the most hurtful yet.

 

~ Serendipitous

412: We Broke Up!

412: We Broke Up!

Yeah, it’s all in the title. We parted amicably and now we’re friends, albeit we speak a lot less, needless to say.

We broke up last week. I can tell you that the five stages of grief are all true, and I’ve experienced them in all their stages mostly not in chronological order. I don’t think I can list all of them, I just remember bargaining and acceptance, which is what I’ve been going through since Saturday. Of course, I’m still upset about it. We are both understandably upset, but it simply didn’t work out. We were good in the beginning, as all couples are in their honeymoon phase, but the pressure of HSC and a matter of incompatibility and making mistakes on each part just didn’t help our relationship thrive. I accept it now, although I still struggle to process it. I must accept it and move on, because I can’t let it affect my exam performance. The last week was painful. I knew I had to break it off because he didn’t want to hurt me, which was sweet of him, but he still ended up hurting me anyway. I forgive him.

In the end, it simply just didn’t work out. He is a good person and will one day be a good father and husband, but he and I are only going to be friends. I don’t really see a possibility of us getting back together anymore. I have shut the glimmer of hope away, because there is no point in hoping and getting disappointed.

So my future man is still out there! The possibilities are endless. I am starting to lose my romantic ideals and notions about “the one”, when the guy I had a whirlwind of seven months with wasn’t. He gave me an infinity within these seven months, and improved me as a person, and I can’t thank you enough for that. Thank you. But I don’t know if he still checks my blog. People change. Hm.

I am looking forward to meeting new people and falling in love again, maybe just not right now hahaha…love my last year of high school!!! So I’m still going to post, but less of the romantic stuff. More realistic experiences, struggles, student life, stuff like that. Reconnecting with people who are going to stick around in life as well. Listening to music before him. Getting my priorities straight.

SERENDIPITOUS, STOP SUFFERING. IT IS TIME TO MOVE ON. REMEMBER THIS EVERY TIME YOU FEEL HEAVY IN YOUR HEART AND YOU THINK OF THE WORD “ACETONE” (it is honestly weird, when I get that heavy feeling in my chest, the word acetone comes up, I just don’t know why); BUILD A BRIDGE AND GET OVER IT. HE IS NOT THE ONE. THE ONE IS A SILLY ROMANTIC CONCEPT PLANTED IN YOUR HEAD BY THE ENDLESS AMOUNTS OF ROM-COMS YOU’VE WATCHED.

Ok, I needed that. Phew. Time to go back to studying.

 

~ Serendipitous

411: Clarity

411: Clarity 

Well, I am just surprised I handled it so well. There were a few hours of emotional turmoil and wondering if I’d made the right decision, but of course I did. Well, I knew practically that it was the best thing to do, even though my emotions haven’t really caught up to what I’ve done.

The parent teacher interviews, I mean.

Afterwards I realised how much was at stake now that it’s closer to the heavier weighted assessments and Trials and going to parent teacher interviews with my parents scared me at first because I’ve never been and I’ve never done something so big, but after it happened (And it happened all so quickly), I realise that deciding to go was the best thing to do. I’m still in shock after everything that’s happened, but what’s done is done. I’m reconsidering my priorities and my dreams, but it’s all for a good thing.

Surrounding myself with people and positive vibes has made me feel better after everything. I think I’m fine for now. I have a good outlook on life even if it seems bleak at the moment for most other people, but I’ve got a grip on what I want and I hope you do, too.

I’m sorry, and I know you’re sorry, and it’s okay. Everything is going to work out and even if some things don’t, it happens for a reason. Everything happens for a reason and time doesn’t stop for you, me, or anybody, so we just need to continue on in life and not worry. It’s all gonna be good in the hood again.

 

~ Serendipitous

TL;DR had a rough night last night with parent teacher interviews, figured out that everything is going to be okay after having an epiphany that lasted maybe a day

410: All The Little Things

410: All The Little Things

Oh, it’s been a while since I last posted. In fact the last time I posted I was basically drunk.

I wish I was drunk again, to be honest, the days after my birthday leading up to now have been pretty rough mentally, emotionally and physically. I understand now when someone tells me they’re fine being fine or average. I’m struggling to appreciate the little things in life that used to make me happy, and struggling to see the good things in life that were there before. Of course, there’s always light at the end of the tunnel, but still I struggle and I’m fighting tears before I go to sleep every night. It’s not pretty, and I hope it’s not like this everyday.

My exam block timetable just got released about an hour ago or something. I have Chemistry and Latin on the same day. Oooh. But some people have it worse and man, it reminds me of all the things I need to do and am supposed to be doing but I’m not because well I’m operating at 60% efficiency. There’s a lot on a plate I guess. I didn’t appreciate the true difficulty of my last year of high school until I woke up in the middle of it, confused and in one hand, a bunch of poor marks and ranks. I’m going to un-stickie my stickied post. A lot of those new year’s resolutions don’t seem like things I can cross off or even dream of crossing off. Life is difficult and there are maybe around seventy thousand of us in the same boat, once again, this year, and I guess yeah I just have to deal with it. I find it difficult not being able to talk about this with someone without feeling even shittier, so I’m just venting here, into the void that is the Internet. It doesn’t matter that no one will respond or that one will just read it and then scroll past it, or scroll past it altogether. I just want to have this written down. I hope that future me can come back, read and remember this, and tell herself that life was shit in May, but it got better. It’ll get worse in July, but it’ll get better a bit before graduation.

And it doesn’t matter if you don’t get in your desired course there are alternatives said people but I refused to listen and am I setting myself up for failure I don’t know I tried to make this post kind of positive but I guess I failed after the first couple of sentences I’m sorry lmao

I’m having a tough time with my honey as well. I love him, but it’s all different now.

~ Serendipitous

Damn.