410: All The Little Things
Oh, it’s been a while since I last posted. In fact the last time I posted I was basically drunk.
I wish I was drunk again, to be honest, the days after my birthday leading up to now have been pretty rough mentally, emotionally and physically. I understand now when someone tells me they’re fine being fine or average. I’m struggling to appreciate the little things in life that used to make me happy, and struggling to see the good things in life that were there before. Of course, there’s always light at the end of the tunnel, but still I struggle and I’m fighting tears before I go to sleep every night. It’s not pretty, and I hope it’s not like this everyday.
My exam block timetable just got released about an hour ago or something. I have Chemistry and Latin on the same day. Oooh. But some people have it worse and man, it reminds me of all the things I need to do and am supposed to be doing but I’m not because well I’m operating at 60% efficiency. There’s a lot on a plate I guess. I didn’t appreciate the true difficulty of my last year of high school until I woke up in the middle of it, confused and in one hand, a bunch of poor marks and ranks. I’m going to un-stickie my stickied post. A lot of those new year’s resolutions don’t seem like things I can cross off or even dream of crossing off. Life is difficult and there are maybe around seventy thousand of us in the same boat, once again, this year, and I guess yeah I just have to deal with it. I find it difficult not being able to talk about this with someone without feeling even shittier, so I’m just venting here, into the void that is the Internet. It doesn’t matter that no one will respond or that one will just read it and then scroll past it, or scroll past it altogether. I just want to have this written down. I hope that future me can come back, read and remember this, and tell herself that life was shit in May, but it got better. It’ll get worse in July, but it’ll get better a bit before graduation.
And it doesn’t matter if you don’t get in your desired course there are alternatives said people but I refused to listen and am I setting myself up for failure I don’t know I tried to make this post kind of positive but I guess I failed after the first couple of sentences I’m sorry lmao
I’m having a tough time with my honey as well. I love him, but it’s all different now.