413: Private

413: Private

So I can’t remember when exactly but sometime a few days ago I made this blog private. I couldn’t stand the thought of deleting a part of my soul, so I have gone private. I may make it public again, sometime one day, just not right now. Maybe in November, but I know he will probably check every day just to see when it’s not private or maybe he will stop holding onto the memory of me.

Our lives are so different. We lead parallel lives. If we had not met that night, we would’ve continued our lives no more different than we had before August. I ache inside. I’ve been depressed, skipped a few days of school, didn’t study nearly as much as I wanted. I miss him, but I am reminded of all the little bad things he did to me. No matter how I present the situation to various friends, they all say the same thing about him. He was good to me in the beginning but then the relationship turned sour. Alex said it’s my fault for letting it drag out for so long. I partially agree. I was holding onto something that was already dying, and I was only prolonging its death.

I can’t forgive myself, or him. I know I said I forgave him, but I think about all the little moments we had together and I get so angry thinking about it. How could he do this to me?! And I yell this inside, and every morning I wake up, the first thing on my mind is him and I get angry, sad, depressed all over again. A vicious cycle in itself. I miss him, and sometimes I want him back, and sometimes I don’t. That I made the right decision to let go. I loved him and it wasn’t enough. He didn’t love me. How can you keep loving someone who doesn’t love you anymore? It’s hard. I know I deserve someone better, but we accept the love we think we deserve, and he didn’t accept what I gave him. I accepted what he gave me eventually, but obviously it was all shot to shit.

I don’t think I can contact him ever again. I feel like this now, but maybe life has its way of crossing our paths, and I don’t think I’m ready for that. I don’t want to see him ever again. If I don’t, it’ll be like he never existed to me. And I think I’ll be fine with that. Not seeing him again for a long time. The last time I saw him was on my birthday date. How different life is now for us. Angela said he seemed sad during Chemistry tutoring yesterday on the Sunday. I don’t know.

My love for him fades, infinitesimally, day by day. I will still wake up feeling shitty and horrible, but Alex’s words will always follow that feeling, and it will subside. And it will get better.

My second breakup, the most hurtful yet.


~ Serendipitous


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