420: BLAZED! + Wake Up Call
Yay we reached 420 posts on serendipitouswriter. Congratulations to me for having commitment since October 2015.
Now I thought it would be an idea (not necessarily good or bad) to scroll through the posts starting from around August 21 to the present. Oh my god, holy fuck, you learn so many things about yourself through a blog
Ok to be fair some of them I was being unrealistically romantic and had silly idealised notions about life. I was pretty stupid back then. I had a good thing going on and I ruined it for myself, and then later on around February this year he finally picked up on it and thought…ok I can’t speak for him. But I definitely ruined the good things we had and then he started treating me differently and acting differently towards me because of all that past shit. O my god I shouldn’t have shown him my blog at all to begin with. This is how shit starts and ends. I hate myself for being so romantic, so unrealistic. God! “He is the one” and all that bullshit. Holy fuck how naive was I? Why didn’t anybody pick up on it and tell me? Was I that blindsided by love? Holy shit. Lesson learned, to the letter.
I have never been so angry at myself. Okay, I had issues. I inconveniently had mental issues when I had such a good thing going on in my life. Now they’re pretty much gone. We don’t talk about balloons, BPD, obsessions with kissing, heartbreak, etc. Holy fuck…now I’m starting to hate myself for ruining such a good thing we had. But it’s run its course and it was doomed from the beginning. I was being a bitch. Who emotionally manipulates people like that? Right, so I was capable of being that cold-hearted person again oh man WHY!!! HE WAS GOOD. YOU RUINED EVERYTHING.
In the days afterwards, I was being kind to myself and giving myself all sorts of love. I am my greatest friend and greatest enemy. Sometimes I wonder if I could detach myself from myself and just LOOK at myself. Like who are you? Why are you being like this? Be KIND TO YOURSELF. And then I realise, that’s just my brain chatter.
Or the relationship just didn’t work out, but I’ve been scrolling through about a hundred posts, skimming, sometimes revelling in how I basically foresaw my own doom but thought I was writing romantically. Wow, well I’m never thinking further than two weeks down the line anymore. Ok, exaggeration. More like I’ll never think so far ahead into the future and actually bring it up with a significant other if they’re not ready to talk about it. Wow I fucked up.
I mean it’s good the relationship is over. It died. It’s gone. It didn’t work out. We don’t speak anymore. I tried to hold a civil conversation with him today but he was so u n c o m f o r t a b l e we never could’ve salvaged anything or even tried to be friends but hey maybe that’s because he has Trials so soon and guess what I have !!! Study time. But I’m trying to take a break now and show myself a good time and keep loving myself. Bettering myself for the next guy. Jesus. I knew it. I fucked up. He fucked up in some ways but I did more fucking up. Wow….
Lesson learned don’t be a fuckwit, stay sane, love yourself, you never know what tomorrow holds for you, maybe the next guy will leave you out of the blue and you’d never expect it but next time you’ll know how to slowly get over it, rebuild yourself and whatnot.
Yeah okay fair but what if…no what if’s. I don’t know who the next guy is. Whoever it is, you’ll be slightly luckier than the last. And this blog is definitely going to be hidden asap. I should probably still write letters to no one. Because they aren’t in my life right now. Jesus fucking
I’m literally so mad at myself. Why did I have romanticise everything????????
Lesson learned. But maybe everything was actually fine. Cos I remember things being fine?? And nothing was super bad September to January. I am a drama queen. I need to stop that.
Preview of next post: 1982 – Halfway to Becoming a Ratchet LG oh wait I might’ve already done aspects in 419 oh well lol
Now to be honest I’m not sure if I should keep a written journal. What if my next SO sees it, reads it, and everything…oh my gosh. I don’t know. These are MY memories, though. I’ll have to think about it.