422: June 15

422: June 15

Because well I honestly can’t come up with better post titles anymore. Well, at least for now.

Okay so I just unblocked him on Facebook. I don’t even know why, I just did. Whatever, okay.

Trials HSC timetable came out. Oh my god I have Paper 1 and Latin Cont on the same day can someone shoot my right hand? Actually it won’t be so bad objectively, we get it over and done with early blah blah but handwriting day and I don’t have my shit together right now and I’m just floating along. I’m about three months out from graduation and five-ish months until I’m free but right now I’m pretty closing to giving up entirely and wasting my seemingly non-existent potential doing something else I kind of love but won’t get paid much for and that I don’t really need an education degree for but that’s so silly of me because giving up means game over and I really feel that vibe but at the same time WHY IS SCHOOL SO HARD

So my exam block was trash and maybe I shouldn’t have broken up two weeks before but then who knows what would’ve happened if I stayed longer what, would my results still have been the same I don’t know? I’ll never know now and I don’t particularly care anymore. I guess I just have to look forward to the future and stop wasting time. And get something nice down.

I kind of want to take a literature degree. Go into teaching. Something romantic like that. But I don’t want to think like this forever. I don’t want to be depressed forever. I might need to see a doctor. I’ve never been so mentally down, so terrible, so…overwhelmed. Everything is so different now. I’ve wasted my own potential. I feel like absolute shit. I need to reach out but everyone is so busy in their own lives, too. So I am alone.

We are born alone, and we will die alone. I hate thinking that, but I know it’s true. Even if you’re surrounded by people when you are born, and the same when you die, you are ultimately coming into the world without someone mentally “there” with you. Same when you die. Yeah ok if you’re going to pass on with someone at the same time, but it’s still not the same. It’s only you and you in your head, if that makes sense?

I don’t even feel eighteen. I feel stupidly seventeen again. June is supposed to be my favourite month of the year. I fucking hate it right now. If anything, I would rather have my summer days back. Fuck I can feel it all coming down on me right now. I’m trash at life. I haven’t got my shit together. I’m not living in the present. I’m not even living in the future or the past. I’m just in limbo. Time isn’t stopping for me so I need to get my shit together but I just…can’t.

So this is how it feels to not be motivated. I’ve reverted to having to take baby steps. Just…get out of bed. Stop thinking about him, he doesn’t EXIST ANYMORE. Yes I unblocked him but HE DOESN’T EXIST. Brush your teeth. Okay you brushed ’em. Brush your hair? Nah skip that shit. I can’t remember the last time I actually brushed my hair. I just don’t anymore. So I look wild, unkempt, tired. Can you tell when a person looks depressed? Probably, I am exuberant and extroverted usually, but you can just tell when I’m down. I’m crying every second day, not because of hormones but because of life. Life is shit right now. Middle of June. Hate it. I hate how this post is shitty too. Where’s that romantic writer I know? Gone. Beginning of winter. Sometimes I need to immortalise the pain. Literature is eternal. Yeats. School. Now I’m just joining fragments of my life together trying to make sense of it. I don’t write in my journals anymore. I need to get a new one. Pack away all his gifts in a box and not open it. I made the mistake of reading over the stuff I wrote in my red Moleskine. Well, the one he bought me. I feel terrible, so young, so naive, so tragic. My story is so belittling, to me. I will probably post this quickly and go back to reading my ugly writing back when I couldn’t write so straight and just think, life was better. Oh god I can’t.

So yeah I’m not really holding up well. I don’t want to feel like this forever. I only have enough motivation to go see a medical professional if it gets worse. I felt a bit happier after dinner. Like everything was gonna be okay and I guess I needed that. People care, I know they do, because I reached out. I love people. Talking makes me happy. I miss talking to him. He’s probably studying for trials. Or gaming. I don’t know. He probably still thinks of me occasionally, even though he emotionally checked out a long time ago. The boys there are still probably trash talking me. Oh well. What I don’t hear doesn’t hurt me. My old philosophies coming back to haunt me. How I was a terrible person and never really thought about shit.

And I’m a terrible writer at that, sorry, I’ve got to work on my technique. I need a perfect story by July 24. Great. Oh it’s Angela’s birthday soon! I better get her birthday post ready. Wait, she probably reads this blog still. Lol. I still have that Snapchat story of her and Joanna. BB8 oh my god mems

I miss him. I miss my old life. Please let me return to mental stability.

To future me, I’m trying. I’m gonna get back on track. I’ll get that literature degree one day, but I have another degree in mind that seems a bit unrealistic but if I do well enough in Trials and HSC maybe I can get it. Well, not me. Maybe YOU can, for me. Don’t fail me where I failed. And pass on advice to other friends in the grades below. Don’t get a fucking boyfriend during HSC. If he makes you miserable, you ain’t gonna do well. Promise to be friends in September and if he’s still interested in you by next November it’ll be nice. If he loses interest before then maybe it’s a bullet dodged.


~ Serendipitous

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