431: Phantasmagoria

431: Phantasmagoria

My favourite word.

Currently not sure how to feel about my predicament. Basically five days out from Trials and seven days from UMAT and I basically feel like shooting myself in the foot. My wanderlust has more or less increased in magnitude. I really still want to go to dental school next year, but I’m losing motivation to jump over these last three hurdles first (Trials, UMAT, external HSC). There’s so much I want to do, yet nothing I want to do. I’m living a mixture of a dream and a nightmare.

Yesterday a ghost from my past asked me out. As soon as I saw the words on the screen I felt pretty shaken up. I haven’t seen this guy in a few years as far as I can remember. Actually he saw me on Sunday, but I didn’t see him. I had a bad feeling about how things would turn out, so I turned him down. I thought about it for a bit afterwards and said I wouldn’t mind giving a relationship with him a go after HSC, but today I think it’s better to leave him in the past and move on. I don’t think I could handle a long distance relationship. Even with my plans to go interstate next year and he’d be staying back to finish his degree…yeah no.

Just in a weird headspace right now. Like my life is a phantasmagoria of simultaneously wonderful and regretful experiences. I never thought I’d be so unmotivated and so listless the week before Trials.

 

~ Serendipitous

 

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