431: Phantasmagoria

431: Phantasmagoria

My favourite word.

Currently not sure how to feel about my predicament. Basically five days out from Trials and seven days from UMAT and I basically feel like shooting myself in the foot. My wanderlust has more or less increased in magnitude. I really still want to go to dental school next year, but I’m losing motivation to jump over these last three hurdles first (Trials, UMAT, external HSC). There’s so much I want to do, yet nothing I want to do. I’m living a mixture of a dream and a nightmare.

Yesterday a ghost from my past asked me out. As soon as I saw the words on the screen I felt pretty shaken up. I haven’t seen this guy in a few years as far as I can remember. Actually he saw me on Sunday, but I didn’t see him. I had a bad feeling about how things would turn out, so I turned him down. I thought about it for a bit afterwards and said I wouldn’t mind giving a relationship with him a go after HSC, but today I think it’s better to leave him in the past and move on. I don’t think I could handle a long distance relationship. Even with my plans to go interstate next year and he’d be staying back to finish his degree…yeah no.

Just in a weird headspace right now. Like my life is a phantasmagoria of simultaneously wonderful and regretful experiences. I never thought I’d be so unmotivated and so listless the week before Trials.

 

~ Serendipitous

 

430: Who Do You Love?

430: Who Do You Love?

I’m convinced I’ve found the perfect song for sad slow dancing or just being sad in general. This is something I’d hear late at night in a bar drinking my sorrows away and frankly, it’s perfect. While I may not understand the lyrics (which I’m going to look up after I finish writing this post), I am absolutely in love with this song. The visuals are great as well, it really does complement the song but I’m here for the song. Oh man, the feels T_T it’s perfect for taking a stroll around the city and embracing city life, wondering what your life could be in the day time and just having feely thoughts all around. This song makes me realise I’m eighteen. Just over eighteen and two months. What a time to be alive, honestly.

 

~ Serendipitous

429: Ramble

429: Ramble

Oh, Kemple, how could you betray me like that? Sigh. When I first heard the news, I was extremely angry. I’d never felt such a rush of blood come to my face and my heart. How could you do this to me, Kemple? But of course he doesn’t realise that anything is wrong. That’s fine with me.

I’m not too worried about Kemple, anymore. What I’m worried more about is that I’ve noticed a pattern in my strange life. I’ve always needed some kind of emotional investment in some guy, which is a problem. Stepping back, I realise how detrimental that is to my sense of self, if that makes sense. Why do I always need to attach something to a guy? It’s almost like I’m bored with my life, always looking for something to do with the vast amount of attention I want to dedicate to so many things. Or more like I’m losing focus of the important stuff in life and wanting to divert my attention to unimportant things. Of course, romance is a big part of life, and yet I choose to prioritise that. Damn. Well, I’ve had a fair amount of time to think about it, and I’m happy with my academics, even though it was shot to shit from the beginning. My post-high school life relies on one written application and my final ATAR. Damn…but I still want to be distracted. If you have a token of affection no matter how fake for me, I’ll take it. If you have a shot of alcohol to offer me, I’ll take it. I’m neither a slut nor an alcoholic. I’m simply experimenting. I like the way both make me feel though. Which is silly, but true.

I figured out what wanderlust is. I have a form of that, a desire to explore the world, but exploring the world through worldly experiences, well any kind of experience I guess. I’m building my own character, finding myself. I think I need a great deal of self-respect and that doesn’t just come out of nowhere, but oh well.

Since I was sixteen, seventeen, I’ve felt the shift. I remember the feelings I had for an old friend. Recently we’ve started talking again, and the feelings are no longer there, but the memory of them is. How I invested emotionally in him in my later junior school years…the memory is there…what am I even saying hahaha

Blob I miss you. I don’t even know what I should call you other than with the pet names we used to use for each other. I guess I still love you, but not as much as I used to. I care about you and your health, but we haven’t kept in contact for so long. Such are high school relationships, aren’t they…short-lived, full of whirlwind romance neither party understands…

 

~ Serendipitous

I have a lot on my mind and lately the only way to clear up my confusion and sadness is to write it all out in my notebook and not worry about what the words mean.

428: Pleasure Seeker

428: Pleasure Seeker

For what is the purpose of life if not for others to pleasure you and for you to pleasure others?

Hahaha

When I’m not studying, I’m pursuing cheap thrills, cheap pleasures just to add spice to my life. It doesn’t hurt that I don’t get harmed, that much. Maybe the small price I pay for these tokens of affection and alcohol is nothing but my health and my time.

 

~ Serendipitous

427: Kemple (Recovery)

427: Kemple (Recovery) 

Not his real name. Took it from a movie script I was reading a while back.

Kemple is a sweet and genuine guy in my grade who goes to the boys’ school. I met him in coaching school in junior high (?). I can’t remember, but he was in my year 10 classes at one tutoring place I used to go. Anyway I recently started speaking to him again. What a fun guy! Ambitious, genuine, knows what he wants, inspirational, the lot. What a good friend to have. Kemple also takes French Continuers, so occasionally we’ll text each other in French.

So wholesome. He has sweet music taste, too. Old school.

Hmm, I’m speaking too much for one day. I like Kemple. Kemple is a good guy.

 

~ Serendipitous

426: L’homme Dangereux (Relapse)

426: L’homme Dangereux (Relapse)

Interestingly enough he shares the same birthday with my ex. He’s changed. Gone to the gym more often, drank more often, has his own ex and share of problems. I’m intrigued by him still. But at the same time, I want to run away and never see him again.

Physically affectionate. Neat smile. Mature, knowledgeable, but still a boy at heart. The sociable loner. That look in his eyes. Never set my heart off, but set off alarm bells in my head. I’m intrigued by the darkness he hides, and the darkness that shrouds him.

I’ve had a while to think about it. I think I’m going to run away again, but sometimes he can be alluring as hell. It’s probably illegal in my books to post about it but sometimes there’s a person out there you can kiss without feeling anything for them and you can still enjoy it.

Oh my god I’m a bad person. Lol. I hope you don’t find out who it is. I am probably going to run away for good. Some bullets you don’t know to do well to dodge until it’s too late.

 

~ Serendipitous

425: In Memoriam (Recovery)

425: In Memoriam (Recovery)

Today, my mind wandered onto him. Everyday I spare a few thoughts for him, a ghost of my past, someone I may never see for a long time. I remember our first date. Saturday, September 17. I met him outside Town Hall. My memory is fuzzy on what he was wearing, but it caught my eye and I caught his sleeve. Or maybe my memory is fuzzy on that part as well. We walked around the city, talking about ourselves, each other, setting up foundations for this relationship we thought would last us a long time. We had lunch at a Japanese restaurant in Chinatown. He tried to pay for me but I wouldn’t let him. I think I paid for my own and he paid for his, but he definitely paid for snacks for the movie. We watched Sully together. It was the first time we’d made…physical contact, I guess? I rested my head on his shoulder. I remember our first date, but it wasn’t as clear as I remembered the day before.

Not in chronological order, but I remember looking at him as we walked around together, admiring every feature of his face, his soft smile, the gentle sheen in his eyes. Those little things I miss, but don’t shed a tear for anymore. Playfully grabbing my shoulders to steer me into a certain direction. Those little mischievous hand grabs. The snug hugs, cuddles, sneaky but passionate kisses. I miss those, but the harder I try to snatch back these memories the faster they fade. Sharing our music tastes. It is still too painful to listen to our old songs together. The feelings and sentiments I associated with those songs are too much for me, at least for now. I absolutely fucking hate Ed Sheeran’s “Shape of You”. It reminds me of what he said to me and how I knew he felt about me in the dying days of our relationship.

I forget I used to refer to him as my honey, my cuet blob, blob, other nicknames that have faded. He’s still saved as one of them in my contact list. I haven’t bothered to change it. With the sunglasses emoji. The dying embers of pain as they are snatched by the wind, exhausted by the breath of life. It’s almost as if he was a figment of my imagination, a very powerful one at that, for eight months of my life. The unlikely couple that wasn’t supposed to last. So that’s why I recoiled at the sight of us every time we passed a mirror together in H & M, or some other clothing department store. Because we didn’t seem like a good match. I wasn’t recoiling because of me. I was recoiling because of us.

I miss this part of my life, a little bit, you know? Life was good. I wasn’t. And I’m still not good, but I’m moving on well and assimilating into this new life.

 

~ Serendipitous

Well not really a new life. More like a new segment of this TV show called, My Life.