455: It Has Been So Long

455: It Has Been So Long

It has been so long since I wrote something for my blog. It’s almost like I abandoned it. But I have to keep to my quota of at least 5 posts a month. Even more of them next year, but still. So here it is. Even though I am writing on my phone, and not really thinking about what I would normally write if I had been sitting down in a “romantic” place.

The posts become more and more intermittent, and with each new one once in a while, they deteriorate more in quality. I feel sorry for myself that my writing skills may have dulled a little, but my ability to make new memories and preserve them with photos, stories, dreams…they are still as sharp as the first day I set up this blog.

One day I hope to write a book. I am trying to follow the train of thought that came before this, but one day I hope to write a book that is a culmination of my experiences, of the human experience, a celebration of human lives, our lives, all unavoidably intertwined with each other. I want to preserve the experience, the privilege, the power of our five senses that we take for granted everyday (yes, I know we have more than five, but I’ve always written with the main five in mind). I want to preserve every memory, the joy, the happiness, the melancholia, the pain, the phantasmagoric realisation of how simultaneous the presence of mundanity and beauty in our lives is, how gorgeously romantic yet grossly misunderstood and misrepresented our own memories and nostalgia can be to others. I keep speaking of a novel, but how can I be writing a novel if all I do is work in the daytime and party when the sun sets? It is difficult to say. Inspiration comes and goes. Perhaps the most difficult thing to say is that I have, in a way, almost forgotten about my desire to write. I feel the shame in me rise to extraordinary heights, the self-beration, the spiritual self-flagellation, for how could a torn and lost soul misplace the need for preservation, the need to be heard, the need to be read, the need to be beautifully appreciated in an almost bemused yet serene way? Although now that I have finally admitted to myself my wrongdoings both in writing and in thought, I only feel but a lingering residue of remorse. One day they will, no, we will technologically advance to the point that we can have a dictaphone for our thoughts, a private dictaphone for which we can record and play back these endless streams of consciousness, save the potential blockbusters, groundbreaking bestsellers, tap into wells of creativity that have-more often than not- dried up with forgetfulness. One day I’ll be able to stop forgetting my dreams while I’m awake, recall them in perfect clarity rather than reciting summaries of summaries, rather than reducing these cinematic motions to nothing more than a few shaky frames, rather than letting thick cobwebs of fallibility shroud them in forever lost archives in the endless recesses of my mind. One day, one day…I think this, I walk home in the semi-dark, thinking of typing the words as they come to me, instead of waiting for the perfect opportunity to sit down and let the creativity flow, because there is never a perfect opportunity, just as there is never the perfect moment to break up, just as you can never be fully ready for what is to come, but ready enough. Walking, thinking, bus rides, train rides, they will be my “ready enough” times. The next time I unknowingly board a train of thought, I’ll run with it. Up and down the corridors, cross each car, bump into strangers, mutter empty apologies under my breath, chase the words as I think them, as they pop into my brain, as they run away from me as soon as they appear.

Now I listen to the crickets chirp, the breeze blow gently, my slow music, walk slowly home, about two minutes away if I continue at this pace, and I feel this insanely lucid rush of creativity stagnate just a little, a car rushes past, it is the eve of the eve of New Year’s Eve, when I cross the road in about twenty seconds, the magic will be lost, the Fantasia that plays in my ears and my mind, no cars come by now, the street is quiet except for my footfalls and the crickets. Now I am five seconds from home, and the magic dies as I exhale. When I look up from my screen, it’s as if I teleported here, having not caught a bus or train home, or whatever it was. Like I’ve been in a trance, and must return to the obligations that occupy my life when I do not pursue the hedonistic lifestyle…

~ Serendipitous

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452: Hedonism

452: Hedonism

So I have been indulging in this philosophy for a while, ever since the exam block was over. I’ve lost all sense of discipline and enjoy spending more money than I earn. It’s a very interesting experience, to say the least.

I’ve been lost in a haze of cycling pursuing interests, watching films, listening to different kinds of music, meeting curious people, not writing down my memories and cool things that have happened to me. More or less want to start a bullet journal but have other commitments in life as well?!

It’s actually terrible. I want to tell you (and my future self) about all the emotional and physical rollercoasters I’ve been on, being young. That’s the best part. I know I’m young and trying to max out all the things I can do as a young person. Flashing my driver’s licence proudly when I’m asked for ID because I’m buying alcohol with friends, or staying out a bit later than I usually would have for studying, little things. And trying to be a responsible adult, but watching all the numbers go down eventually. Sigh. And formals! How could I forget about formal? Those were fun. It was sort of awkward to see my not-really crush with a date he barely knew but whatever right? Young people do all sorts of stupid things, I guess. Heh.

Anyway I wish I could write more. I probably would, except the prospect of spending most of the night playing Minecraft or watching Star Wars or watching k-drama is too much. I should be doing the stuff on my daily to-do list, but I’m honestly so done lmao

 

~ Serendipitous

Fuck, how could I forget about talking about my novel? Didn’t go so well. I keep making a mental outline of what I want to say, but I keep forgetting, eurgh… oh well. It’ll work out. I’ll get a novel out at some point in my life.

451: Life after HSC

451: Life after HSC

Wow I was actually expecting to update a lot more often but I guess it didn’t happen. I’ve been really living. I’ve experienced so many emotions, tastes, lights, feels, everything. Overwhelming, overexciting my own senses, trying too many new things, still having a lack of sleep for fear of not being able to enjoy every moment of my 4 months of freedom with the most happiness and alertness. Ironic.

It’s fucking amazing. My novel has disintegrated so I’m just taking it slow at the moment. And getting closer to people I would have never had the chance to get close to if I hadn’t taken initiative to do so.

Anyway hit me back, just to chat, sincerely yours your biggest fan this is Stan

I’m going through an Eminem phase at the moment, so just streaming his songs all the time. Sigh. I should update with a proper flash fiction thing though. Like maybe an anthropology of my dreams.

 

~ Serendipitous

 

450: Freedom

450: Freedom

This is…4 days late, but I’m free! I have been using the freedom well to cultivate my new life. Sadly it has meant that I haven’t had much time to post on my blog. So what I’m thinking of doing is revamping the style and writing more poetry and flash fiction. Of course, I’m doing the NaNoWriMo and I am struggling to reach the word count (even though it’s been the first week). Sigh.

I love life now! I’m not depressed anymore (I think)! So yay there. I’m thinking of linking my Instagram to my blog, but I’m not sure. I’ll think about it.

Lots of lunches and fun activities with friends. I’m actually having a life.

 

~ Serendipitous

 

449: 99 Problems

449: 99 Problems

Sigh.

2 sleeps until freedom, but I have 99 problems on my plate. Life struggles, personal struggles, struggles struggles struggles…

Well, I am doing NaNoWriMo this year and I have a fairly good idea. Well, we’ll see how it goes. I guess this is an update from my life. Once I’m actually free I will be posting a lot more on my blog and just making it look nice.

 

~Serendipitous

 

448: Baobei

448: Baobei

In Chinese, this word can have several meanings, such as “baby” or “treasured one”. In my family, this was my special nickname, and for me it meant that I was “the treasure of the family” (clearly not the spoiled, youngest child of the family).

This is probably unjustified, but I feel somewhat sad and offended that a lot of LGs are using it to address their favourite younger friends – for some reason, it detracts from the special meaning this word has given me. Of course, I probably don’t have any reason to feel the way I do, but it doesn’t feel too good seeing the term thrown around and, in a sense, bastardised. At home, I still feel the love my parents and sister have for me when they call me “baobei”, but knowing other people are using it for their friends, eurgh…it pisses me off haha

 

~ Serendipitous

447: Not Quite an Autobiography

447: Not Quite an Autobiography

5 days out from Paper 1. I think it’s time to do some work on it, lol. But all I can think of is what I want to write for NaNoWriMo. I’ve had an idea for a while. Maybe putting my life together in a non-sequitur fashion, and make up some stuff along the way to make it seem more interesting or something. Pulling out the best and worst and leaving out some of the mundane. I really haven’t thought about it enough. I want to try to write it like one never-ending dream. My dream. Which reminds me, I want to keep a dream journal after HSC. Not that I don’t. I should include some of my dreams on the blog or in the story then. That would be interesting. I’ve been told that they’re extremely vivid. Like they’re inside the mind of a child.

A child? That I am, well, not quite, since I’m eighteen, but still. I feel that way.

 

~ Serendipitous

P.S. The plan for after HSC is to post at least once a day about my exciting life and all the things I’m going to do. Not a day is going to go by that I won’t be on my laptop for at least ten minutes though, lol.