443: Dear Class of 2017

443: Dear Class of 2017

Dear Class of 2017,

Thank you for everything you’ve done for me and let me do for you over the last six years. We all went through a phase, an unusual but unique time in our lives, and I would happily do it again (and redo some things) in a heartbeat were I given the chance. You have taught me pretty much most of what I know, which is amazing in itself, and most people always say this, but I wish we were given more time to truly appreciate the memories we have and the opportunities to form deeper connections with you. Still, it is all so surreal, and I feel like I will still wake up early in the morning and get on my 8.09 am bus to school. I will be waiting for that moment when I am reminded of my time at high school and I will spontaneously burst into tears. If there is one thing that I do regret, it is not asking for help when I really needed it in my junior years (and sometimes in my senior years). I hope that you can forgive me, and I hope that we can stay in touch, update each other on our lives, and continue pursuing our dreams beyond the HSC. I wish each and every one of you all the best; I know that all of you will succeed in the future, and I will be pleasantly surprised to see how much more we have matured. Stay classy 💝💖💕

Lots and lots and lots of love,

Serendipitous

 

Truth be told, I was supposed to write an extended letter, but I have so much running through my mind. I am beginning to accumulate a lot of regrets over the last six years that are starting to outshine the good memories I have, so I’ve decided to withhold writing too much. I am grateful for meeting and getting to know the girls in my grade and spending time with my friends. I am grateful for what my teachers have taught me and I am grateful for being able to mature from a twelvie, hehe. I guess in a way it has hit me that it’s over, but I have no tears to express myself, only a sigh of relief that I can finally turn to the next chapter. In saying that, though, I have slight trepidation in my heart for what is to come, and why I had squandered the last month leading up to my graduation for it to feel so anticlimactic and over and done with, just like that. I regret not being closer to my friends when I had opportunities to deepen our friendship and bond, but did not. I suppose that it is a learning experience for when I go to university. Don’t take anybody for granted, you never know how long you have with them until you’re standing on stage holding your diploma, standing next to girls you never spoke enough with, or made enough memories to share. That’s the feeling. Regret.

I’ve lived my life up to this point, but I know that I should turn it around and live it even better starting today, tomorrow, whenever, soon. The best years of my life are apparently still ahead of me! And I am sure that many people live with regrets; it is hard to come across someone who has very few. I regret going through high school the way I did, but I came away learning something, and I think that’s one of the more important things now.

 

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442: GRADUATION WEEK (SEPTEMBER 14 TO SEPTEMBER 22)

442: GRADUATION WEEK (SEPTEMBER 14 TO SEPTEMBER 22)

At first I was going to dedicate a separate post to each day, but I don’t have time for that so it will be summarised very quickly, but also I will come back to edit this continually!

Thursday September 14: PJ + Muck Up Day

I was still feeling depressed and in a shitty mood. I woke up super late and only managed to get to school half-way through lunchtime; at that point, my friends had already taken a lot of photos without me, and the FOMO rose in me like no other fear I’ve felt (except the fear of spiders, but that is very different). I came to school, went around the school videoing/taking photos of the pranks our grade set up, found my friends and we took photos! Yay! But I have yet to combat my double chin problem…eurgh HSC weight gain :sob:

Lucky I had a free period, so we went book/gift hunting for friends/teachers and had some frozen yoghurt with Shayla and Amara! ❤ woo shout out to them on my blog 🙂 oh my godddd the frozen yoghurt was way too sweet, like it was all sugar and no chocolate oh my god I’m really upset 😦 oh well, it’s an experience in itself. Then I went back to school and went to Latin class for the first time in a long time…I skipped a lot of lessons due to personal issues…but didn’t really listen for majority of it, we were just doing commentary on the set texts. 🙂

Did I go tutoring afterwards ?? I think so, and I probably did. Yay Chemistry which I’m only doing less than average in, but that’s okay.

Oh yes, my best guy friend from Year 10 re-appeared in my life and we’ve been chatting for a while. He was going to lend me his uniform for boys’ uniform day and I was supposed to collect it from him at lunchtime but I slept in…and really wanted photos with my friends…hehehe

Friday September 15: NSGB Senior Netball Challenge

Mood was lifting. I saw my once best guy friend wearing our girls’ uniform and I was traumatised. Hah, not super traumatised but wow haha guy in girl uniform! And the boys came over in their girls’ uniform and played netball with our girls’ team….and won 😦 oh sad days. I nearly lost my voice cheering/screaming. I really needed that; I think I had a lot of pent-up energy from the whole year saved up in my overflowing soul. I’ll just call him OBGF; anyway I went over to the other side of the quad and OBGF gave me his uniform set but not before wanting a hug, which I gave him. Little did I know he would ask for at least seventeen more hugs on Monday and Tuesday of the following week…

Mood really did lift a lot. 🙂 Especially with English lesson, which was actually a party and our teacher gave us each a rose and a wonderful party (and Kahoot!) ❤ I will miss my English teacher so much. Many photos taken, many memories made.

Monday September 18: Boys’ Uniform Day + Infiltrating the Boys’ School

Ohhh boy it was great. Lots of photos! I went down to the boys’ school with a few friends wearing the boys’ uniform and walked around pretending to be one of them. A few of the junior boys asked me if I was a guy or a girl. I’m crying, after I saw some of the photos I was in I would’ve figured my chest and voice would have given me away, but I guess not…or boys are just dense 🙂 hahhaha cue photos with good guy friends and OBGF asking for eleven hugs…and being busted twice by the boys’ school’s teachers for being disruptive/being on their school grounds in the first place! Oh man, so worth it. Usually, I’m a stickler for the rules but it has been my dream since Year 7 to be a boy at the boys’ school, and I was for a few hours. So worth it. But then I had to return the uniform and caught the train with OBGF. Eurgh OBGF is such a weird name. Let’s just call him Bumblebee (he really likes Transformers and we both developed a sentimental connection with Bumblebee the yellow Transformer). This sounds incredibly naive and stupid, but I have a feeling Bumblebee still has feelings for me, even if he might not explicitly say. But he is friends with my friend and they seem pretty close, but I’m withholding judgement and comment; it’s not my place to comment on their friendship 🙂

Tuesday September 19: Junior Uniform Day

Woohoo! I woke up a tad late and was frantically looking for my old potato sack summer junior uniform. I caught a bus to a stop near school and got off to buy flowers for my guy friends. Came to school, we were in a meet period but doing fun things. Spent an hour with my friends, almost crying, watching a video compilation of all our silly moments in our respective friendship groups. Then my friends and I walked down to the boys’ school, waited for the graduation ceremony to conclude before they piled out and I gave the flowers to my friends! Yay! Took a lot of photos, shared a few words, saw my ex but said nothing, gave Bumblebee more hugs because he wanted more hugs (again wow) and then went back to school to salvage the last five minutes of my last Chemistry lesson ever (actually was just a party and they were watching Moana ❤ ) took another group photo with them and then spent half of lunchtime in the gym watching and listening to the rest of the sister speeches (almost tearing up) and then went to take photos again with my friends in our junior uniforms. Decided to ditch my maths class for my friends’ maths class and sat reading our yearbook, took a photo with my mentoring group, and then we had Literary Luncheon in period 5! That was interesting, just a lot of memes about the texts we studied, honestly. Then food, then gift giving, MORE PHOTOS, and then afterwards the last school bus ride home/to tutoring with my 649 afternoon school bus friends forever. Even though the bus driver took three pointless detours lel THE BUS NUMBER WAS 1522 I WON’T FORGET I LOVE YOU GIRLS

Having an existential crisis about how close everything is and how it’ll all be over soon. The end of my high school chapter, the beginning of young adolescence chapter. God. 2.03 am. In the jumble of mixed feelings, academic pressure, worries for the future, I feel an odd sense of calm, realising that even though it’s about to come to an end, we’re not really there yet, so we need more photos with everyone and make more memories before it’s truly over. And who is to say that it’s over over ? Because we’ve still got our group chat, we’re meeting on Friday for karaoke, we will be back for our last high school exams ever, we will be back for whatever reason, and then there is the 10-year reunion. Man. I fucking love you class of 2017.

Wednesday September 20: Year 12 Luncheon

YET TO HAPPEN

Thursday September 21: DAY OF GRADUATION! 

YET TO HAPPEN

Friday September 22: Karaoke with the girls

YET TO HAPPEN

441: Synaesthesia

441: Synaesthesia

Drinking the colours of the rainbow, tasting the melodies of disharmonious orchestras, hearing young fingertips caress wizened skin.

Another wake up call from out of nowhere. It’s more or less a week out until graduation, where have I been the last five, six months? I now have mixed feelings about graduation, rather than wanting out straight away. I’m going to miss these girls, some of the boys down the road, and most of my teachers. I really wish I took a photo of the school in the summer, because the deciduous green leaves are quite beautiful. They remind me of my earlier junior school years.

Wow, now I’m the senior who will go around telling the juniors not to waste their time at school, because one day they’ll be like me, wearing the proper school uniform one last time before we sit our last high school exams ever… that’s a little bit sad now that I think about it.

But hey at least after HSC, what I can finally do is start on my NaNoWriMo novel, explore ASMR more and actually tinker with my perception of reality (i.e. sleeping more, lucid dreams, etc.). Fuck yeah!

 

~ Serendipitous

I might or might not be depressed. I don’t know. I don’t think I am but I’m going to get it checked out just in case. Don’t worry about me ❤ I think I’m doing well as far as I’m concerned and I have a clear idea of what I want my future to look like. Much love ❤

440: Ministrations for the Uncaring

440: Ministrations for the Uncaring

A little girl of seven years old, maybe younger, watching from the safety of a large covered recliner, passively distraught by the scene going on in front of her. The shrieking cries for a non-existent saviour, dissonant with the retaliating shouts of unrestrained anger. Then a jump-cut to an older girl, still untainted by the unforgiving realities of the real world. The love for summer still strong, blooming in her heart like secretly woeful roses, revelling in the caresses of the warm breeze. For her in that moment, no kinds of violence existed, no pains of unrequited love, an all-encompassing innocence protecting her with a thin film.

A montage, a flurry of montages, all rolled into one, non-sequentially following the other, disrupting a chronological order that only the most boring, most conforming of sentient machines desired. The past, present and future, indiscernible. Like a photo album arranged haphazardly in no identifiable order, being flipped by the little curious hands of a toddler eagerly raking her eyes over the meaningless images.

So what did it matter to her, having been forced to swallow ugly, irrepressible truths? A mentally weak, physically strong girl such as herself instead decides to parry with tokens of affection, gamble with her future, tinkering with the melodious songs of hearts she had yet to discover and capture. Hardened to the fake ministrations the world attempted to offer her, and only seeking solace in the arms of those in whom she made a heavy emotional, potentially physical investment. She wondered, worried for the future, but despite all this, plunged herself into the unknown, plowing aimlessly, furiously, recklessly.

She woke up in a haze of heady lust, her eyes clouded with the remnants of the sexual dream she secretly wished to be true, her fingers fiddling with the edge of the bed sheet. Most mornings were like this now, if she woke up in time.

 

~ Serendipitous

I don’t know where I was going with this.

439: Missing Me?

439: Missing Me?

It’s been two or more weeks. Life is hectic. I barely have time to write. I’m so stressed and worried for the future. I’m only updating because Farihah told me a “fan” of my blog wanted to see me update so here it is, I guess. Sorry it’s a shitty update, I was going to write a flash fiction piece, but I don’t have time today so maybe I’ll write one tomorrow. Life isn’t very good, even though there are 9 days of school left (and 12 days until graduation) and yeah it’s always what my younger self was afraid of, cramming knowledge right up until graduation and even beyond and I never imagined doing so badly at school but this is what I am now. I’m considering a science/arts degree if I don’t make dentistry, but of course I will try to get in dentistry. There are only so many years of life left and I may as well try to spend my youth doing what I want, right? Yeah… hmm. Life is hard. But I’m trying.

 

~ Serendipitous

Sigh.

I mean it’s September. Yay because we’re getting closer to summer ❤ but not yay because getting closer to HSC …

438: Dear Past Me

438: Dear Past Me

You naive little thing. I can’t remember if you wrote this out of sincerity or out of dumbly believing that I’d actually listen or read this again. I guess I have to say I’m sorry too. You know all that went down after you wrote this. I find it oddly calming that you were still sixteen then, the self that I always tried my best to preserve, to go back to in a time of difficulty and despair.

I am too ashamed to answer the questions in your last paragraph, except that well, yes, the blog is still running. To be honest, I envy you greatly. I know you were coming out of, or well, still in a period of darkness in your life then, but things are so much darker and so much more difficult. I don’t imagine that you had ever been depressed in that stage of your life, but man, the things I have seen, the things I have done, would put you to shame. I guess it’s about growing up and leaving yourself in the past, because that’s where you’re supposed to be. Thank you for not mentioning boys in your letter. I know we met guys who changed our lives, turned it upside down, removed our innocence, naivety, whatever. I wouldn’t say it has scarred me, but it has definitely made an impact.

One thing. I don’t really eat ramen anymore. I’m sorry. I miss you and your time.

 

~ Serendipitous

437: Dear Future Me

437: Dear Future Me 

Hi! So sorry for putting this off for a while – I was always hoping to give you a Statement of Motivation but I’ve been putting it off for so long, so I just want to say sorry. This is mostly for me so that I can know for sure that I have written this and will keep my promises.

[Serendipitous], I know you want to get in BDS at [redacted]. It will probably and most likely still be the only thing you’ll be aiming for when you see this again. Last I heard, there were only 35 vacancies for domestic students. They look at your UMAT first and then they might give you an interview and then they will look at your ATAR and decide if they want you to come. So there are a lot of things riding on these two giant exams. I don’t want you to stress. It doesn’t matter that you didn’t get band 6/E4 in everything so far (or if you did, CONGRATS!! UNLIMITED RAMEN TIMES) because it’s not the real HSC just yet! It’s okay. Coco is still my best friend and I’m hoping that she will still be there with you when you read this again.

I know I fucked up but this is going to be the year you fix everything, improve your life for the better. You’re going to do very well, you’re going to get into dentistry like you’ve wanted all your life. But first, motivation! I know you will find motivation everyday. Some days are going to be tough, but just think of that nice apartment in [redacted], the degree, the people, and not being in [home city]. I’m not scared of leaving behind the people I know, but you will probably still share the same viewpoint as me when you read this again.

Love your friends, love your parents and family and most of all, love yourself. You are going to do great things. Just make sure you get adequate rest, do your homework and at least an hour of exercise a day. You will be the best person you can ever be, and you will have been the best you’ve ever known.

None of this is bullcrap. I believe in you, [Serendipitous]. Get into the degree, get into a clinic, and then help people. Everywhere. You will achieve your life goals. You are so young but wiser than your years.

BTW, still running the blog? Discovery must be such a bitch, to be honest. Doing 4U? Can you tell me what the fuck what an argument is, or anything in complex numbers, tbh? I love you. Just make sure you love yourself too. Always have some sort of tank of motivation. You can do it! Ganbatte! Labor!

xx [Serendipitous] 19/2/16

–  was at camp writing this Statement of Motivation

 

~ Serendipitous

Oh hon.