435:

435:

I can’t remember the last time I cried this hard. Maybe in April over some poor guy I used to date. Maybe when I failed one of my exams this year. I don’t know. I fucking hate my life. Of course it’s going to get better so I’m not resorting to anything terrible at the moment, but god damn sometimes I feel like I want to. I feel so helpless and useless.

yeah well fuck life. I’ll just live how I want starting today. I’ll do a bit of study but that’s about it.

 

~ Serendipitous

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434: Rut (Lapse)

434: Rut (Lapse) 

I will post a bit more today, maybe another post or two. Just an update on my life, I guess. It sucks. I’m tired. I still have a chance of making dental school, but I feel so shit and oppressed. I’m angry at how flawed the education system is but of course nothing can be done about it.

Graduation is just a month away. Damn. I better find some motivation around about yesterday in order to pick myself up.

But all I want to do is wallow in my pit of sadness and endlessly berating myself.

 

~ Serendipitous

433: Post-Trials Depression (Lapse)

433: Post-Trials Depression (Lapse)

Wow, it’s been a while. Yeah I was having Trials and life among other things. I think this year I will give NaNoWriMo a go again, something about a dream sequence.

Life is shit. Hahaha…I’m trying to pick up my creativity again with my thought journal but it’s just a lot of repressed sexual tension and frustration and being constantly worried for my future.

I deleted the app. I think I found a few I’m happy to talk to on a regular basis, which is nice, but I shouldn’t lose sight of my end goal. Yes, that’s right. Ok. I need to have some non-zero days and comfort myself with endless re-runs of Game of Thrones and so much food. Oh man.

I can feel that pre-trials depression creeping up on me, except it has a new name. Post-trials depression.

UNLUCKY

 

~ Serendipitous

432: Calming

432: Calming

Just taking a moment out of my shit storm of a fortnight to post about something, anything, my feelings.

OMG I saw my ex outside the train station yesterday before I went to do UMAT! I guess he changed to the morning session after we broke up. Fair enough, to avoid seeing me, although that might not have worked out. I had it in mind to approach him and say hello, but I realised that maybe it was wrong to. He had the horrible gut feeling about me the whole time. I’m sorry. I don’t even know if you come to read my posts anymore. If you still read though, I would be up for a small chat after August 3. But if you don’t get in touch, that’s okay too. Life goes on.

I’ve let go of Kemple a little bit, the emotional investment has been withdrawn, and deposited in others. Or nobody, really. I haven’t thought about a guy for so long. I met some interesting ones elsewhere, but eh, we’ll see how things play out.

Today I’m 18 years and 3 months old! Oh my gosh I’ve been eighteen for three months!!! And I’ve experienced so many things that I would’ve never let seventeen year old me experience, but damn am I a changed person. Lately, I’ve been getting a lot of attention somewhere and it’s becoming cheap entertainment for me. I should probably get rid of the app, haha.

Trials are over soon!! Yay!! And UMAT was ok but I probably did trash anyway!! And I’m almost about to graduate!!!

That’s funny. What happens when you ghost the ghost of your past?

 

~ Serendipitous

431: Phantasmagoria

431: Phantasmagoria

My favourite word.

Currently not sure how to feel about my predicament. Basically five days out from Trials and seven days from UMAT and I basically feel like shooting myself in the foot. My wanderlust has more or less increased in magnitude. I really still want to go to dental school next year, but I’m losing motivation to jump over these last three hurdles first (Trials, UMAT, external HSC). There’s so much I want to do, yet nothing I want to do. I’m living a mixture of a dream and a nightmare.

Yesterday a ghost from my past asked me out. As soon as I saw the words on the screen I felt pretty shaken up. I haven’t seen this guy in a few years as far as I can remember. Actually he saw me on Sunday, but I didn’t see him. I had a bad feeling about how things would turn out, so I turned him down. I thought about it for a bit afterwards and said I wouldn’t mind giving a relationship with him a go after HSC, but today I think it’s better to leave him in the past and move on. I don’t think I could handle a long distance relationship. Even with my plans to go interstate next year and he’d be staying back to finish his degree…yeah no.

Just in a weird headspace right now. Like my life is a phantasmagoria of simultaneously wonderful and regretful experiences. I never thought I’d be so unmotivated and so listless the week before Trials.

 

~ Serendipitous

 

430: Who Do You Love?

430: Who Do You Love?

I’m convinced I’ve found the perfect song for sad slow dancing or just being sad in general. This is something I’d hear late at night in a bar drinking my sorrows away and frankly, it’s perfect. While I may not understand the lyrics (which I’m going to look up after I finish writing this post), I am absolutely in love with this song. The visuals are great as well, it really does complement the song but I’m here for the song. Oh man, the feels T_T it’s perfect for taking a stroll around the city and embracing city life, wondering what your life could be in the day time and just having feely thoughts all around. This song makes me realise I’m eighteen. Just over eighteen and two months. What a time to be alive, honestly.

 

~ Serendipitous

429: Ramble

429: Ramble

Oh, Kemple, how could you betray me like that? Sigh. When I first heard the news, I was extremely angry. I’d never felt such a rush of blood come to my face and my heart. How could you do this to me, Kemple? But of course he doesn’t realise that anything is wrong. That’s fine with me.

I’m not too worried about Kemple, anymore. What I’m worried more about is that I’ve noticed a pattern in my strange life. I’ve always needed some kind of emotional investment in some guy, which is a problem. Stepping back, I realise how detrimental that is to my sense of self, if that makes sense. Why do I always need to attach something to a guy? It’s almost like I’m bored with my life, always looking for something to do with the vast amount of attention I want to dedicate to so many things. Or more like I’m losing focus of the important stuff in life and wanting to divert my attention to unimportant things. Of course, romance is a big part of life, and yet I choose to prioritise that. Damn. Well, I’ve had a fair amount of time to think about it, and I’m happy with my academics, even though it was shot to shit from the beginning. My post-high school life relies on one written application and my final ATAR. Damn…but I still want to be distracted. If you have a token of affection no matter how fake for me, I’ll take it. If you have a shot of alcohol to offer me, I’ll take it. I’m neither a slut nor an alcoholic. I’m simply experimenting. I like the way both make me feel though. Which is silly, but true.

I figured out what wanderlust is. I have a form of that, a desire to explore the world, but exploring the world through worldly experiences, well any kind of experience I guess. I’m building my own character, finding myself. I think I need a great deal of self-respect and that doesn’t just come out of nowhere, but oh well.

Since I was sixteen, seventeen, I’ve felt the shift. I remember the feelings I had for an old friend. Recently we’ve started talking again, and the feelings are no longer there, but the memory of them is. How I invested emotionally in him in my later junior school years…the memory is there…what am I even saying hahaha

Blob I miss you. I don’t even know what I should call you other than with the pet names we used to use for each other. I guess I still love you, but not as much as I used to. I care about you and your health, but we haven’t kept in contact for so long. Such are high school relationships, aren’t they…short-lived, full of whirlwind romance neither party understands…

 

~ Serendipitous

I have a lot on my mind and lately the only way to clear up my confusion and sadness is to write it all out in my notebook and not worry about what the words mean.