458: The Politics of Love
O let me forget how boring and difficult the politics of love are, how tiring and complex the dance is to fall in love and stay in love.
How can I love others when I have difficulty loving myself? I can barely take care of myself; how can others expect me to take care of them? It is a difficult facade to weave and hold. I’m tired and I don’t want to see anyone. Whenever did I become an introverted recluse? I cannot necessarily pinpoint the exact moment in time; perhaps during exam period, or realising that I have taken too many tokens of affection and felt nothing, no pleasure in taking, no pleasure in giving. I feel alive only when I am at my saddest, deeply reflecting, yearning for spontaneous coffee dates, watching the water by the pier in the warm darkness. I miss what I want, but cannot have.
Are promises of love I already have what I truly want? If I am even asking this question, why do I bother holding onto them if I don’t want what I have? Am I cursed to never be completely satisfied, always holding out for something better, wanting the greener grass on the other side?
I’m terribly afraid of rejecting and being rejected. Although I am more used to being the rejected, the dejected, all sorts of things. I am tired of playing a game where the outcome is a definite win or loss for me. Where I was once the pleasure seeker, the thrill seeker, pursuing a hedonistic lifestyle, I wish for some peace in this difficult life. It seems impossible.
I feel so dead inside. I’d like to feel alive again, but have no idea how. I seem to be missing something in my life. I am still pining for the past. I find it hard to find what is missing from all that I have experienced and known, although I have a vague idea of what it could be. The finish line never seems to be in sight, just check points that I can’t necessarily save at.
I’m tired of searching for what I don’t have, but deeply crave very much. I try not to do it so much that it wears me out, but being involved in the politics of love exhausts me. Relationships are so much hard work, even more so with someone I don’t care about as much as myself.
I guess I should say no.
~ Serendipitous
serendipitouswriter 