278: Inspiration
It usually happens at night. Well, very rarely. Someone will mention life after high school and straight away my mind will jump to that undergrad degree at Adelaide…then come the endless hours of researching everything about that degree, how to apply, new pamphlets, how is the new dental clinic, oh it’s amazing. It’s looking at a possible life after high school ends.
~ Serendipitous
277: Oh, Just Kidding
I was right. I always find something to be angry about every day.
Right after I posted 276, I decided to go through my spam folder. If the boy from the past is still reading this, well, I guess you didn’t honour your promise, not that I cared, since we don’t exist to each other anymore, right, and I don’t blame you for being still curious if this girl is alive, really.
Man, oh man, I found your emails. You sneaky bastard. I deleted them after reading them once. I don’t need a second read through or a reminder of who you are. Oh, you were the one who blocked me first? I don’t remember ever feeling like I had been blocked by you. Actually, I was in such a hurry to delete you from my life that perhaps I didn’t notice. Oh, you want to pay me back? Thanks, but no thanks. For me, I like to look at it as if I paid for a movie ticket by myself and went to see the movie myself. If you want to pay me back, you’d have to meet me in real life. And I’ve had enough of you, lol. I’ve had enough of you to last me three lifetimes on this planet. I don’t really remember the rest of your messages. A lot of blaming yourself, more apologies than I’ve ever apologised to my mother about something, a lot of depression and sadness and yeah stuff I can’t handle because of who you are. While I like to be depressed and sad, your style just puts me off my simultaneously the best and worst moods. Boy, you make me so mad. Please don’t ever reply to anything I ever say on my blog ever again, if you’re still reading this. Seriously, it is over. The escapade is over. The story’s final chapter is the one I write, not you. Stop emailing me. Delete my email. You’re such a soft, kind-hearted boy. You fail to see the evil I harbour in me. I told you myself that I was toxic, but you ignored me. Now you’re poisoned, too. You tell me that you’re sorry because you were toxic, too. God, if you trying to guilt-trip me into going to a movie that I joked about going to with you is your definition of toxic, you aren’t ready to see the hurt I’ve caused numerous times to people I love where I didn’t know I was causing that pain. And you sure as hell aren’t ready to see the hurt I cause to my closest ones intentionally with such purposeful hatred and toxicity. It’s nearly killed me. I told you not to get close. Maybe I didn’t. I warned you that I was a bad person. You ignored me.
Well, while I’m thinking about that, my anger subsides. I try not to be a bad person. There is good and bad in all of us, it’s which wolf we choose to feed that shows in our personality. I overfeed the evil wolf at night and when I’m around you. Thank you for taking me out of your life. I would’ve poisoned your soul even further just to push you away.
Oh, just kidding. I found a reason to be angry today.
~ Serendipitous
276: Today
Well it’s been a while. Today I am seventeen years, three months and three (or four) days old. I am surprisingly calm for someone who has a major assessment due on Monday and having only completed 15% or less of it. I guess you could say it’s the calm before the storm. Productive procrastination before doing the real assessment.
Well, I feel calm. I should be angry about something, though. There’s always something to be angry about now.
~ Serendipitous
275: Letters to No One (4)
Look, I don’t know, honestly. Lately I’ve been feeling things again, but only in moderation and only because I needed some sense of normalcy in life. I don’t think I can pull off this emotionally detached facade any longer. Of course, it’s easier this way, to care a little, but…
Anyway that’s not what I came here to say. Or, partly. I go to sleep with tears in my eyes. Doesn’t matter where you are, what you’re doing, who you’re seeing. I don’t know you but I sure as hell am aching over you and why?
~ Serendipitous
274: To That BOY
GET OUT GET OUT GET OUT DON’T EVER TRY TO COMMENT ON MY POSTS EVER AGAIN DON’T TRY TO EMAIL ME DON’T TRY ANYTHING I DIDN’T GET YOUR EMAILS THANK GOODNESS BUT DON’T COME BACK
serendipitouswriter 